Time - Bomb! Why so Much Panic?

. What is it about a time deadline that makes me come unglued? My body physically starts to accelerate - sweating, heart pumping faster, tension building into a short fuse, voice becomes high and loud pitched, to name of few symptoms.

My mind moves to hyper-vigilance mode. Quickly scanning everyone... are they ready... why aren't they ready... what are they doing, not dressed yet... stop playing, watching TV, and fooling around outside...

Why did my husband work late until 4:30 when he said he was going to need to take the day off? Why is everything left to me at the last minute? Can anyone else be responsible?

Did the cat get extra water and food? Do we have a clean litter box to carry for cat coming? What about food... what do we need to carry with us? Medicine, vitamins, etc. Did everyone get what they needed... Who is going to forget their toothbrush this time? Sometimes they end up without socks or underwear...

How long.. how old, until they can pack an overnight bag for a trip?

I know my husband said he was taking off today to work on packing and getting the house ready... why did he say that if he wasn't? Of course, now he will say, "I couldn't. I needed to get a lot done." Well, why did he even reassure me that I would have help, if he wasn't going to do it?

The day was so busy with unexpected errands. I ran to the doctor with TeddyBear (middle son, 13 year old) at 9 am, stopped by Walgreen's to get medicine boxes for children, and picked up donuts and nice coffee for family were visiting... a thoughtful thank you gift. I was back home in time to download a song for Cupcake's (my 11 year old daughter) voice lessons. Then I was answering a few e-mails... printing out chore charts for end of this week and the next week.

I went on to checking with GreatKnight (oldest 15 year old son) to make sure his schoolwork was being done. . . he argues, says he needs to get ready... that he has not time for school... it has taken hours organizing all the little pieces of his Civilization board game. Frustrated, I made it clear school work is to be done first.

Now TeddyBear is asking for help with tools to make props to take on trip. The boys tried to accomplish this earlier in the week. I think, on previous weekend. They asked dad but it's not his interest. They need his help, can't he see and hear, they want to accomplish a woodworking tasks. Why doesn't he see this as his responsibility to lend a hand or to get them someone to teach them? Yes, I spoke up on the weekend. Pleaded for him to step up and meet their need.

No lunch yet... yeh, I had a donut for breakfast. TeddyBear wants to go to Home Depot to look for tools to woodwork... of course, I take him. Hardware store shopping takes about a hour and we talk some to Home Hepot guy about setting up potential classes for teens.. I need to talk to manager... I make a memory note.. call manager when I get time to get class set up. My boys 13 and 15 need to learn these skills.

Back home again. Wonder why oldest son is on sofa watching TV... nope, he hasn't done school work. What is going on in his head!?!? I guess he figures if he doesn't want to do it, he doesn't have to. I talk to him again about how his schoolwork must be down now.

I am totally drained.. can't keep my eyes open.. I need a nap... even 1/2 hour would help. I can't finish packing without a nap. "Wake me in 30 minutes." I go lay down. TeddyBear enters my bedroom and thanks me for new tool. He gleams with how nicely the new jigsaw/ scroll machine works. I am glad it worked out good for him. I give him thumbs up and drop to the soft comforting pillow.. I'm out.

Was that 30 minutes? Rise and shine, up and at-ummm... let's get this packing done. This is simple .. three outfits, night clothes, underclothing, toothbrush, deodorant, school book (limit those... this is suppose to be fun).

Oh, what about camera, recipe for pumpkin cake and ingredients, did I put donuts and coffee gift in bag? What shoes am I going to wear? Will I need a jacket? Makeup, little cleaning products, no jewelry... this is a relaxing weekend....

I see GreatKnight across hall... did he finish school work... what? WHAT? He didn't do it... Something has to be wrong... what am I doing wrong... Up to dad, "help me!" What do I do? Why in the world did he not do his school work? He says, "I needed time to get ready to pack and prepare items for the weekend... lots of props needed for filming fun stuff for youtube." I do not comprehend. What does that have to do with finishing High school?

His Dad tells him to finish and he will also work Friday and Saturday morning out of town. Where is his math answer book? "I don't know" You had it last, you check your answers the past two day.... "No," he says, "I used the solution book..." WHAT?

Ok, I am on the edge of loosing it... What did I tell you to do 2 days ago... "I dunt remember".... slowly...pitch high... heart raising... "I TOLD..YOU..TO .. USE.. YOUR answer book, not the solution manual to check your work." My voice is coming under control as I lower my body to ground. "I didn't do it," he replies. I am lost for words and still don't know where the answer book is.... "Could you go look for answer book?"

Trying to get back to packing, my husband is finally loading the car, "Is your bag ready?" He wonders. What???? How can it be ready.... I have, uh, kind of been distracted... "Go ahead take those two bags, I am trying to pack light."

What about the cats? Is the kitten in car... he needs his litter box emptied and clean, a new little tub put in car, his dishes washed out, food packed. Older cat, that's staying home, needs several days water dispenser and extra food.... Can somebody help? Don't look at us, we don't touch the cat litter stuff are the eyes I get from everyone.

Hmmm, time to leave, time for football end of season party we plan to hit before we head out of town, let's get in car...

I can't go ... about in tears... so strung up tight.. how does this always happen? Why am I always in a mad dash, trying to get out of the door....

"Go on, take everyone without me, I can't get ready, I am too rushed, ya'll go to the party, come get me when its over... take everyone... it will give me time and space to get ready" I say as tears of frustration start to roll down my face as they head out the door. I don't want to miss the football celebration, but I am not ready... I can't go.

The door shuts. The car pulls away. I am calm again. Quiet. I can think. No questions. No interruptions. Step by Step, I easily finish getting ready for the trip.

A thought strikes me, "I can be clam. I can get ready. Maybe it is not me... I can do this. I just can't function in chaos."

I hope God can give me a clear picture, some structure, some insight... into this repeated pattern of the mad rush to deadlines....

If I only had to get myself ready, if only everything didn't fall on me... even saying that makes me chest feel pain and heavy... there is something painful to it... something that causes panic and disorder when I am trying to leave for trip.

"When did I ever feel like that before?", I begin to think. I close my eyes. I see it clear... fear, terror, panic... I hate family trips... someone is always beat, hurt, yelled at, someone will forget something and be dropped off along the highway, belittled, cursed.... I am nervous. I am worried, will I be the one that messes up, that get's targeted for abuse, for not doing it right... we can never do it right... we ruin every trip...

I can easily see now why getting ready for trips are so hard for me. I take a deep breath. My insides are still shaking.... it feels like I am a little girl about to go on a traumatic family trip. I look around the room... No, I am not a little girl. I am a middle-aged adult. This is just another memory that I need to work on with my counselor. When will the horrible memories ever end? There is so much material for therapy....18 plus years of abuse. I take another deep breath.

I hear the garage door open. My dear family is back and I am ready to go on our relaxing weekend at our dear friends farm. I thank God for my family and this time away. Now is time to live in the present. It IS going to be a great weekend!

What is your Anchor in Life?

I was blessed to go to a conference in Atlanta this past weekend about helping people deal with trauma. Loving people are trying to learn the best ways to guide the hurting to find hope and healing. Many have gone to school 6-9 years to get the education and training necessary to qualify them to be competent counselors.

When we arrived at our hotel on Friday, I noticed the office looking building next to the hotel said, "Buckhead Church." "Well, that is weird. That wasn't here last year, and I wonder if it is really a church...but I can't imagine a company calling a business building to lease office space "Buckhead Church", " I rambled on in my thoughts to my driving companion.

On Sunday Morning I had a few hours open, so looked in the phone book and called the Buckhead Church. I found out that indeed it was a church and I just missed the beginning music. Well, I love praise and worship, but didn't have the time available to wait until the next service so I threw on my jacket and headed across the street.

Asking for directions to the sanctuary, I found myself in a huge room, auditorium - like a giant movie theater. There was a life size huge middle screen with the projected pastor speaking his message about wisdom and two smaller screens on each side of the front.

After listening a few minutes, and looking for an open seat, I settled on an aisle spot behind the sound board. I did not have many options. Since I didn't want to look at the huge projected image of a pastor's recorded sermon - it just felt a little distant and impersonal - I looked to the screen on the right. We have these side screens at my home church for those who want to see a little more detail or a better angle of our pastor who is actually present on the stage speaking.

Settling into the message, I had a strong sense that I knew this pastor. Flipping all over the Sunday Bulletin, I found no staff name. The sermon was strong, and very solid based on Proverbs 1:20-33. It was an interesting comparison to what was being taught as wisdom in the conference I was attending that did not include the Bible or God of Abraham, Issac or Jacob (Jehovah) in the healing process. It wasn't that a person couldn't speak of Him. It was just that He was just one of the many cafeteria selections in the language of a higher-self, soul, spiritual belief. It seemed easier for people to embrace talk about energy, color, and inner core than a real powerful, all-knowing, living, creator God, Jehovah. And I am not sure, but I got a sense that 'Jesus' might be a 'off-limits, roll-your-eyes, oh-one-of-those' type of words.

Truly there is much to be learned by listening to seeking, kind, caring people trying to grasp concepts larger than their own capability or understanding. It was a struggle to finding the acceptable words to apply toward practical experience. Does "it" reside in the brain, or a cell, or the whole body? Is "it" in the body, or out? Is "it" part of the mind or in the mystery of inter-connecting mesh tissue between nerve, skeletal, connecting/smooth and cardiac tissue? Did "it" go through the neutrons of the spine or those of the organs of maybe travel into each and every cell? Core self, inner-self, conscious, unconscious, primitive terms seems to resonate as acceptable words to speak.

As I left the church service, I found myself in the bookstore looking for a 'gift' for the conference leader. I found a DVD on Hope in Hurting, and discovered that I had been in a statelite church of Andy Stanley, son of Atlanta's Charles Stanley. I knew the DVD wouldn't have his type of lingo in it but still he might be able to glean some truth from it. I returned to the conference, fully energized and enlightened by an hour of hearing the Word of God, I was beaming with joy and love. I listened intently to the rest of the seminar with ears open to hear what truth could be found.

On Tuesday night I thought, I might put the copy of the CD in a player to hear the same message I gave the conference leader. I figured I might as well know what message I sent with him back to New York.

God is good, as always. As I was listening a Bible passage rang a comparative word to the seminar. The word was 'anchor'. The therapist were learning how to anchor images, trauma scene, areas needing therapy, to anchors in order to build a frame or grid to do therapy in. The first anchor given was the lower ear lobe, as the four corner grid was built upon brainspots.

Hearing anchor on the CD reminded me of the seminar, and the comparison was stark. The message was explaining that Jesus was our anchor in times of trouble, more specifically the cross of Jesus was our anchor point. Hmmm, my lower ear lobe, or Jesus.... Which anchor would I want in the midst of a twin tower 9-11 disaster? What if I was raped, a victim of incest, mourning/grieving a death what or who could be the best anchor? If I lost my house, our income, or my health to a horrible disease, who or what could hold me from drowning?

Listen to Hebrews 6:19 This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the presence behind the veil, where the forerunner has entered for us, even Jesus, having become High Priest forever.

Living on the side of victory, in Christ you will always win. In this world there will be trouble. Terrorist will attack. People will be raped. Babies will be killed in the womb. Loved ones will be murdered. Earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, fires and floods will come. Children and spouse will always be abused and abandoned. Alcohol and drugs will reck havoc in lives. Families members and friends will die of cancer and all other kinds of accidents and diseases.

But don't skip over this truth - there is an anchor when troubles come. There is truth to build the foundation of your life on. All good things come from God. All trouble comes from Satan, the evil one.

This is the outcome of the final bell in the 'ring of life'. God has already been awarded the victory belt over this life. God wins! This victory is anchored to the final blow of Satan at Calvary's cross where Jesus was crucified.

Satan spilled out all the horror, evil, and trouble he could onto Jesus. Yes, Jesus suffered and died. But fortunately for all mankind of every tribe, every Nation, every time period in History, Jesus was and is victorious at the cross. He died. He was buried. And, He ROSE!

This is the anchor. This is the certain hope. The victory of the cross is the sure and steadfast anchor of our soul.

No matter how much trouble comes our way. No matter how deep we fall into the disconnected deep pit of dispair. We have a place to secure all of our needs for love, acceptance and attachment. In Christ, in a personal relationship with Christ, we always have a hopeful end. God is continually doing a good work. What Satan meant for evil, God will use for good in your life.

Has your life been one big hellacious rough sea and storm after another? You can rest now. You can let go, when you anchor your life into Jesus. You no longer have to hang on or hold it all together. He will be carrying you. He seals you with the Holy Spirit. You will never be abandoned or alone. You can quit trying to "do". It is already done!

Let God show you the way to your individualistic perfect healing path. Allow Him to transform you as He does His work and will in you, through you and for you.

We all know life doesn't end like a fairy tale - 'and they lived happily ever after and rode off into the sunset.' But it can end in the solid truth of "God wins"! By walking in faith in God we can live a spirit-filled, abundant life even in the deepest times of grief, loneliness, hurt and trials.

Remember, "This is the hope we have as an anchor of the soul...Jesus...!"

Add a Little Spice to Your Life!

How our body physically feels effects our soul and spirit. In the same way that an experience in our soul or spirit has a somatic (bodily-feeling) affect on our physical body. We need to not only work toward living a life with a clearer spiritual and soul path. It is also important to add foods to our physical body that helps it to function as it was created to function. Our body has many healing properties if we will just feed it the right "foods".

"Add a Little Spice to Your Life!" sounds like a commercial jingle, but I am saying to do it literally. There are so many healing foods and spices that we don't use often that could be easily sprinkled into cereal, oatmeal, breads, coffee, stir-fries, baked dishes, rice, etc. These foods are the ones that our body needs and many are proven! Yes, scientifically proven to having antiseptic, antibiotic, anti-fungal, healing properties that would make us so healthier.

Here are a few great ones: cinnamon, clove, thyme, rosemary, carrot seed, peppermint, oregano.

Anti-fungal - try lemongrass, cumin, basil, cassia, clove and cinnamon

Anti bacterial - Cinnamon, thyme, clove, bay laurel, Listerine (yes, good ole' Listerine!)

Good biotics for our body - helps against infections - yogurt, aged cheese (like Swiss/aged cheddar), sauerkraut. These common foods really do kill off potential harmful germs by competing for the same resources that they live off of in your body.

A good overall blend of oils for healing would be - clove, cinnamon, lemon, eucalyptus and rosemary.

This is real easy to blend and apply to hands, temple and ears. The Bubonic plague was fought off with wormwood, marjoram, sage, cloves, rosemary and camphor distilled for 15 days in strong white wine vinegar, then strained and oils expressed.

For over all blood cholesterol and heart disease, these are great with high potassium:
Pomegranates (and juice), blueberry, raspberry, strawberry, dried apricots, sunflower seeds, raisins, almonds, dried figs, buckwheat oat bran, walnuts, raw spinach, Lima beans, whole wheat, red beans, bananas, prunes, Brussels sprouts and raw broccoli.

For Magnesium to also help with blood cholesterol and heart disease: try oat bran, walnuts, pistachios, kelp, pecan, spinach, fig, pinto or kidney beans, brown rice, Swiss cheese and raisins.

Matter of fact Pomegranate juice, 2 oz. daily for 30 day will prevent cholesterol oxidation!

While I am not a doctor, or a professional researcher, I have received much information for research sources. Information can be obtained in different books sold through http://www.essentialsciencepublishing.com/.

The practical way I see it is to learn to start incorporating these as staples into my weekly diet. When I go to the store my list looks a little different, let me give you a monthly staple example and this way you can put a bit of this or that in all different items you eat during the month to increase its healthiness for you and your family.

Blueberry-Pomegranate Juice, Cider-type Apple Juice (Simply Apple)
Walnuts, Almonds (sliced), Pistachios, Sunflower seeds
Swiss Cheese,Yogurt,Aged Cheddar
Cumin, Cinnamon Sticks, ground, Cloves (whole, ground), Carrot seed
Thyme (fresh if possible),Basil (fresh, if possible), Ginger (to grate)
Orange oils, Peppermint
Lemon, Blueberries, Strawberries, Cranberry, Apples, Bananas, Garlic, Onion, Sauerkraut
Raisins, Dried Apricots, Dried Figs,
Spinach, Broccoli, Brussels Sprouts
Lima Beans,Red and Pinto Beans
Brown Rice, Oatmeal, Redmill cooking grits
Green Tea, Coffee, Black Tea,
Tuna, Omega-3 Eggs
100% whole wheat and oat bran products

If you don't already use these foods, add a few extra each month. Try some new ones to you and enjoy mixing items that you don't normally. It will delight your taste buds and the functioning of your body. It makes sense that if we were made by God, and the food He naturally gave us that He also created would be the best healthy diet for anyone.

Please feel free to comment on food items that are truly one of your treasures that I left off my list. Also I would love to hear your healthy food testimony, if you have one.

Knowing the Love of Being Held

Ever rest your head on your mother or grandmother's chest and have her hold you snugly and she strokes your hair letting you know everything will be alright. This experience is the love of El Shaddi.

Amy Grant made that word popular in her Song "El Shaddi" in the 90's. It was a beautiful song of love to God. El Shaddi is one of the many names of God... it literally means the 'breasted one'. That can kind of seem odd for a name of God... it seems pretty feminine to talk of resting in the comfort of ones breast, but a man can just as lovingly hold a love one snugly, up close to the chest, gently stroke the hair and reassure in tender words - "you are safe".

Just tonight I received such a blessing. I watched a wonderful movie - I am David. I highly recommend it to anyone. It will be one of those life movies, classics, all-time favorites.

I felt the movie deeply, and could not stop crying at the end. Barely speaking I asked a child checking in their sobbing mom to go get daddy.

Trembling, weeping, I motioned him to sit on the bed and I rested my head snugly on his chest and held on to his shirt for dear life. I sobbed and sobbed, releasing all the emotions of identifying with a character in a movie.

"In understand David....I am David...but in the end...Da Da Dav David got his mommmmmmmm." Tears streamed, "I never, ne..nev..never, had a mommmm," deeply knowing grief and such complete emptiness, crying out for a mom, a grandmom, an aunt, an older lady friend... that could hold me tenderly and let me know I was safe.... 'It' (my search, my journey, my struggle) was over. I was now in the arms of the one who loved me more than life itself.

After the sobbing stopped, I looked into the tender, loving eyes of my beloved husband of almost 25 years. He said, "I am at the end of the runway for you. I know now, this is my purpose of my life from God. I haven't always understood. All the other stuff I have been searching, doing, longing for is not my purpose. My purpose is to be here for you, to give you a safe place, to take care of you." I don't think I ever saw the same light brown color in my dear husband's eyes that I saw in them tonight. His eyes spoke caringly, knowingly and had a light gold tint...softening his features. He is learning to be a strong but gentle man.... a man with a meek spirit. Meekness is not at all weakness, but it is strength under the total control of God's spirit. A meek man is a strong, compassionate, capable, solid rock type of a guy. My dear husband is growing in meekness.

I am blessed beyond measure! Jehovah-jireh, The Lord Provides, has not left me without a snugly, loving, firmly-hold-me-close comforter. He knows. He provides for all my needs, and at perfect timing.

He has been preparing my husband and me to be able to come to that perfect moment that happen tonight. These times don't happen by luck or chance. No, they are planned exactly in every detail to enfold when the hearts of two souls have grown and journeyed to the precise place. Does one need any more proof that there is an all-loving, all-knowing, all-powerful, living God? I don't!

I asked God, before my husband came down, as I sobbed, who is this...speaking about in me - which self has this need. An amazing answer: Everyone! This is the common thread between each disintegrated sense of self. They all have a hole deep in their heart to be loved by El Shaddi - the comforter - the breasted-one.

Have you ever been so fortunate to see a baby drinking from its mothers breast? What complete beauty, satisfaction, love! Skin to skin receiving nutrition, but more, being held closely, pulled close in....ever see a nursing child finish but still latch on and move his little hand about, touching the skin of the breast, totally at peace, experiencing a deep connection of comfort and love.

In the same way a baby knows when she is being held in loving strong arms of a dad that adores her. She makes the connection in the eye contact and in the secure touch sensations of being held firm, and close. A baby needs this love... so do all people.

Love (not ooey,gooey mush... but solid, constant, unconditional love) is a basic need of every person... to be safe, to be held snugly, to be comforted, to know you are absolutely loved. Oh, thank you God, for giving me that experience tonight. I needed it and like always you provided everything I have ever needed. Thank you for loving me so much!

Always be open to opportunities in life where you may be the arms of El Shaddi for a hurting soul that needs to experientially know that they are safe, understood, protected, and deeply loved. Don't miss your blessing of loving the people in your life.

Relationships and love... it is why we are alive... and it is what we will be remembered by when we move on to eternal life. When it is all said and done, it is all that matters!