Journal Entry from 2-24-2003
Second EMDR Session on Fighting Scene from childhood abuse -
I am exhausted. The session was very tough lots of tears, lots of pain. I don't want to go there- I am cold. I am sorry I had to be put in this sick game. I hate my father for making us to this (wrestle/box/fight each other for his entertainment in the living room for hours). I want to understand why I had to go through this - I am made that I had to go through this humiliation to be treated like an animal.
God, why did You allow me to be treated this way, to be hurt so deeply, wounded in my soul, feeling so worthless, so valueless. You say You loved me but You treated me so badly - You let me get hurt, You didn't stop the craziness, You didn't get me out of it. You allowed me to live in it for 18 years and to still have to deal with it.
I don't want to deal with it anymore. I want to be free from all the lies. I want to be free from all the pain. I want to look out for me but I am afraid.
What will my sisters say? I don't care! I am tired of pleasing others. I am tired of hurting. I want to stop the pain.
I don't care. I want to be free of pretending. I don't care to have a relationship with them (my parents). It hurts too much. It is not genuine. It is forced. It is because I feel I have to. It is not what I want to do. I do not want to have a relationship with them. They hurt me too much as a child. I have no feelings of love for my father - I wish him no harm but I don't want to be part of his life. He does not deserve to be part of mine. He lost that right when he hurt me the oh so many times in my childhood.
I have no relationship with him. I know this means I give my relationship up with my mother, and that I must do. She did nothing to help me as a child. She never came to my aid. She never consoled me or comforted me, held my hand or helped me to understand the madness. She was the adult. She is responsible for not protecting me, for letting me get hurt. She is responsible for allowing all of this to happen and for doing nothing to stop it!
I am now an adult. I am responsible for protecting me, for making sure I don't get hurt by them again, for stopping the cycle of abuse.
I was forced to do things as a child. I am no more forced to do things. I have a choice. I choose FREEDOM!
I know my choice will have consequences and cause pain, but it is my choice. I am free to choose!
God, may I choose freedom from my parents? Is this OK with you? I need to hear clearly from you like I have heard so many times before. Speak to me now.
Child, You are free to choose. You have been so hurt. I would never bind you to torment of forcing you to make a choice. But I ask that you make your choice not out of hatred but in forgiveness and love. I don't want you to choose in sin and the choose to sin. I want you to choose life! I want for you the path the will bring you true freedom and abundant life.
Pray! Seek My Word! Seek a clean heart! Make a decision with a clear conscious.
I love you. You did not see me, but I protected you. I did spot the madness. You just never saw when I stepped in. I was there. I say it all. You were never alone. I loved you.
I am exhausted. The session was very tough lots of tears, lots of pain. I don't want to go there- I am cold. I am sorry I had to be put in this sick game. I hate my father for making us to this (wrestle/box/fight each other for his entertainment in the living room for hours). I want to understand why I had to go through this - I am made that I had to go through this humiliation to be treated like an animal.
God, why did You allow me to be treated this way, to be hurt so deeply, wounded in my soul, feeling so worthless, so valueless. You say You loved me but You treated me so badly - You let me get hurt, You didn't stop the craziness, You didn't get me out of it. You allowed me to live in it for 18 years and to still have to deal with it.
I don't want to deal with it anymore. I want to be free from all the lies. I want to be free from all the pain. I want to look out for me but I am afraid.
What will my sisters say? I don't care! I am tired of pleasing others. I am tired of hurting. I want to stop the pain.
I don't care. I want to be free of pretending. I don't care to have a relationship with them (my parents). It hurts too much. It is not genuine. It is forced. It is because I feel I have to. It is not what I want to do. I do not want to have a relationship with them. They hurt me too much as a child. I have no feelings of love for my father - I wish him no harm but I don't want to be part of his life. He does not deserve to be part of mine. He lost that right when he hurt me the oh so many times in my childhood.
I have no relationship with him. I know this means I give my relationship up with my mother, and that I must do. She did nothing to help me as a child. She never came to my aid. She never consoled me or comforted me, held my hand or helped me to understand the madness. She was the adult. She is responsible for not protecting me, for letting me get hurt. She is responsible for allowing all of this to happen and for doing nothing to stop it!
I am now an adult. I am responsible for protecting me, for making sure I don't get hurt by them again, for stopping the cycle of abuse.
I was forced to do things as a child. I am no more forced to do things. I have a choice. I choose FREEDOM!
I know my choice will have consequences and cause pain, but it is my choice. I am free to choose!
God, may I choose freedom from my parents? Is this OK with you? I need to hear clearly from you like I have heard so many times before. Speak to me now.
Child, You are free to choose. You have been so hurt. I would never bind you to torment of forcing you to make a choice. But I ask that you make your choice not out of hatred but in forgiveness and love. I don't want you to choose in sin and the choose to sin. I want you to choose life! I want for you the path the will bring you true freedom and abundant life.
Pray! Seek My Word! Seek a clean heart! Make a decision with a clear conscious.
I love you. You did not see me, but I protected you. I did spot the madness. You just never saw when I stepped in. I was there. I say it all. You were never alone. I loved you.
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