A New Level of Forgiveness
I am experiencing what it feels like to be unforgiven and unreconciled.
It is something that I have experienced before but it never cut so deep because it was in relationships with friends. Now it is in relationships within my family.
I have hurt my daughter during my years of battling in the recovery of C-PTSD and she is at a place that she is processing the hurt and unable to reconcile. She says she forgives and I believe she tries, but I continue to hurt her in my actions and words and therefore she does not want to reconcile--to open herself back up to being hurt by me. She says I have emotionally abused her--I can speak those words now. I am over the crushing tears of being called an abuser--something I fought so hard to never be, the cycle I tried with everything in my being to break.
In this broken, fragile relationship, I am pressing in to try to learn all I can about forgiveness and reconciliation.
The other relationship that cuts differently from friends is one with a sibling. I genuinely sinned against her. I confessed my sin, but she has never been able to forgive me and no longer communicates with me and therefore seems to show no desire to reconcile. In this relationship too I am trying to learn another lesson about forgiveness and reconciliation. I have tried to talk with her three times over a two year span but she has not replied. Being cut off, feels like I am a fragile butterfly that keeps trying to fly forward but bumps into a transparent glass wall. I am trapped. Not in life, but in my ability to go to her.
Because of social media, I can see her --therefore the analogy of why it feels like a glass wall, but I can’t reach her or speak to her. I have hurt her and she has chosen to not have a relationship with me.
Two different relationships--two varieties of unforgiveness and lack of reconciliation; yet both uncase me, trap me.
And because I claimed to forgive my abusive father yet did not continue with a relationship, I can’t help but wonder if God is allowing me to feel the hurt of my parent. My reason for not reconciling is that my father never confessed wrongdoing, and therefore it made the step of reconciling in the true sense of the word impossible. But also, I cut off the relationship because to me he was toxic and I did not want to be continually hurt.
And this is where I think the commonality lies -- both my child and my sibling and other friends throughout my life have broken relationship with me because they consider me toxic, even an emotional abuser, and they no longer want to be hurt.
It crushes me, but it is also hard for me to wrap my head around. It is hard for me to face this reality in a way to soak up any truth God wants to show me because it has so many facets that cause pain. So like others I have a tendency to avoid the pain. I do not want to keep looking at it. I want to move forward in life, and not be stuck.
I am certain there are many others in my life that I have hurt deeply, that have chosen to not know me or to stay in a relationship with me, out of a desire to not be hurt and/or to not have to deal with someone so complex. Still I know in my heart, while I am far from perfect, I do try in God’s eyes to do the best I can.
In my relationship with Him, He can handle my constant “mess-ups” even though others may not be able to.
And, I want to be able to learn more, to look at these situations and hurts more deeply, but I have to be gentle with myself. I want to remain stable and sometimes when you look deep before you can learn all the lessons you have to have the time and space to unravel, to be a little unstable, until God binds you up again. This is not the season for this kind of reflection.
(photo credits: moth catcher by xxlonereyesxx on deviantart, trapped in time by shannonlloyd on deviantart, don’t give up by lairum on deviantart)
It is something that I have experienced before but it never cut so deep because it was in relationships with friends. Now it is in relationships within my family.
I have hurt my daughter during my years of battling in the recovery of C-PTSD and she is at a place that she is processing the hurt and unable to reconcile. She says she forgives and I believe she tries, but I continue to hurt her in my actions and words and therefore she does not want to reconcile--to open herself back up to being hurt by me. She says I have emotionally abused her--I can speak those words now. I am over the crushing tears of being called an abuser--something I fought so hard to never be, the cycle I tried with everything in my being to break.
In this broken, fragile relationship, I am pressing in to try to learn all I can about forgiveness and reconciliation.
The other relationship that cuts differently from friends is one with a sibling. I genuinely sinned against her. I confessed my sin, but she has never been able to forgive me and no longer communicates with me and therefore seems to show no desire to reconcile. In this relationship too I am trying to learn another lesson about forgiveness and reconciliation. I have tried to talk with her three times over a two year span but she has not replied. Being cut off, feels like I am a fragile butterfly that keeps trying to fly forward but bumps into a transparent glass wall. I am trapped. Not in life, but in my ability to go to her.
Because of social media, I can see her --therefore the analogy of why it feels like a glass wall, but I can’t reach her or speak to her. I have hurt her and she has chosen to not have a relationship with me.
Two different relationships--two varieties of unforgiveness and lack of reconciliation; yet both uncase me, trap me.
And because I claimed to forgive my abusive father yet did not continue with a relationship, I can’t help but wonder if God is allowing me to feel the hurt of my parent. My reason for not reconciling is that my father never confessed wrongdoing, and therefore it made the step of reconciling in the true sense of the word impossible. But also, I cut off the relationship because to me he was toxic and I did not want to be continually hurt.
And this is where I think the commonality lies -- both my child and my sibling and other friends throughout my life have broken relationship with me because they consider me toxic, even an emotional abuser, and they no longer want to be hurt.
It crushes me, but it is also hard for me to wrap my head around. It is hard for me to face this reality in a way to soak up any truth God wants to show me because it has so many facets that cause pain. So like others I have a tendency to avoid the pain. I do not want to keep looking at it. I want to move forward in life, and not be stuck.
I am certain there are many others in my life that I have hurt deeply, that have chosen to not know me or to stay in a relationship with me, out of a desire to not be hurt and/or to not have to deal with someone so complex. Still I know in my heart, while I am far from perfect, I do try in God’s eyes to do the best I can.
And I learn anew that God’s grace is sufficient for me to try and grow and learn.
In my relationship with Him, He can handle my constant “mess-ups” even though others may not be able to.
And, I want to be able to learn more, to look at these situations and hurts more deeply, but I have to be gentle with myself. I want to remain stable and sometimes when you look deep before you can learn all the lessons you have to have the time and space to unravel, to be a little unstable, until God binds you up again. This is not the season for this kind of reflection.
(photo credits: moth catcher by xxlonereyesxx on deviantart, trapped in time by shannonlloyd on deviantart, don’t give up by lairum on deviantart)
Comments
I, too, have been diagnosed with complex, or developmental, PTSD. My PTSD symptoms started in 1965, when I was 12 years old. However, PTSD did not become an official psychiatric diagnosis until 1980. For many years after that, it was believed that PTSD only happened to war veterans. My own diagnosis did not happen until the year I turned fifty, in 2003. That's a long time to be emotionally and mentally broken, without the proper diagnosis, understanding, and treatment.
In hindsight, I should never have married and had children. But I was so starved for love, and so ignorant of my broken condition, that I left my horrific childhood home and ran straight into marriage at the age of 16. Then I had my first child when I was 18. By the time I was in my mid twenties, I had 3 children. I have always loved each one of them enough to lay down my life to save their lives in a heartbeat. But, how could I possibly be a good mother when I was so broken? I did my best, but my best wasn't nearly good enough.
Today, after many ups and downs, I am blessed to be on very good terms with my 36 year old son and my 42 year old daughter. But my 46 year old son wants nothing to do with me. I understand and respect his decision. But oh, it HURTS!
My very mentally ill and abusive father died in 1988. My even more abusive and mentally ill mother is now 82 years old. After years of minimal contact, I finally made the decision to go completely No Contact with her in January 2013. I sent her a long letter explaining all the reasons why. I also told her in that letter that if she ever wanted to admit and repent of her abuses, and correct the many scapegoating and projecting lies that she has told about me to the rest of the family, that I would then welcome her back into my life with open arms.
Like you, I sometimes wonder if my older son's being no contact with me, is a punishment for doing the same thing to my mother. I don't know. I only know that every time I have let her into my life, sooner or later she devastates me. I literally cannot function for quite awhile after my mother abuses me. And that is not fair to my husband, or to the other people in my life, or to me.
I pray a lot for God to open my mother's eyes -- and to open my eyes also, if they are not yet fully open. It took many decades of prayer and inner healing before I could truly forgive her. Now, I do forgive her. But I do not want her in my life, the way she is.
I look forward to seeing my mother in heaven someday, because then I believe she will be the woman God created her to be, and so will I. No more pain, no more tears, no more sorrow, no more sin. How glorious it will be!
God bless you, Lindy. Again, thank you for writing this.
In my mother's case, I believe her abuses, her lies, and her twisted way of seeing reality, is probably caused by a very severe head injury she had many years ago. It seems like her brain just does not work right, and never has worked right, for as long as I have been alive. My mother's head injury happened when she was a little girl. She has said that she has never felt the same, after. Her mother, my grandmother, also told me about how bad my mother's head injury was. It's a wonder she survived it.
But only God knows how capable and how culpable my mother is. Only He can judge the heart.
I am glad that you are able to see a therapist now, to help you continue to heal. My husband and I had lunch today with my former therapist and his wife, and I got to tell him how grateful I am for all the help he gave me. I was a walking dead person when I started seeing him in 2011. Extremely dysfunctional.
Today I am in the best place emotionally, physically, and spiritually, that I have ever been in my life. Still not perfect, of course, but the difference between now and when I was in my worst, most broken condition, is like day and night. What a difference good Christian counseling can make!
I am currently having neurofeedback treatments done by another therapist. NFT, as it's called for short, has worked like a miracle for me. Unfortunately, insurance does not pay for it, so we have been paying out of pocket. It isn't cheap but it is so worth it. NFT is like a biofeedback treatment for the brain. Whereas psychotropic drugs affect the chemistry of the brain, NFT affects the electrical activity. Since February I have had approximately 25 neurofeedback treatments, and, wow -- I feel almost brand new! Talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and EMDR only got me so far, to the point where I could go have these brainwave treatments.
My NFT therapist told me recently that he does not believe I even have PTSD anymore, and I think he is right. I have some small emotional scars left, but no more big gaping emotional wounds, like I have walked around with for most of my life. I also do not take any psychotropic medications anymore. I did an ultra slow, super safe taper off of my antidepressant and anti anxiety prescriptions about 3 years ago. Now, at the age of 64, I feel and function so much better than I ever have before, and I am so grateful! The only thing I really feel bad about anymore is that everyone who needs this kind of help can't easily get it. That, and all the horrors in the news lately! All I can do is turn it over to God and pray for Him to come quickly.
Thank you for coming back and commenting on the perspective of being in God womb being a choice by God. I have to rely on his promises everyday.