Damaged - Not By Design
Do you ever feel like damaged goods?
I know. I understand. I have been damaged. I was abused as a baby, a toddler, a child, a tween, and a teen. I was damaged, but not by design, by being cruelly mistreated by my father, and watched by my fearful mother. Every day was a nightmare. I never could wake up from the fright. I lived on the edge of life, fearing death as much as life. No place was safe. I couldn't get out. No one came to rescue me. People pretended. They didn't want to see. They didn't want to hear. They didn't want to get messy. They didn't want to get hurt. People acted, following a wicked script, written parts for each to play. Lie. Deny. Hide. Pretend. Defend. It will one day end and go away........
For so long, I wanted to show a face of "healed"... that somehow by my healing I would reflect the glory of God... and if not healed I would bring disgrace upon His Holy Name. I failed so often, never quite good enough. Odd. Strange. Weird. Unusual. Never normal, or ordinary.... I was damaged.
You may have heard it before, I have.... "What good is your God if you are such a mess? Why doesn't God just heal you? Why do you keep stirring the past, let go, live in the present? God wouldn't....__________".
So by my response, or lack of response, I felt very responsible for God's Image, His Worth, His Glory.
Rightly so, in many ways, because I am a true follower of Jesus, one of His disciples... I wake up everyday with a heart intent to live life for Him, through Him, and to Him. But since He is truth, I must be real.
Jesus is truth. Such a simple short sentence that books could be written about those three words. Jesus is God. Need I say more, to know that we will never understand or imagine the limitless possibilities and wonders of God. And Truth... everything, every thought, every bit of energy, space and matter that is genuinely God-sourced. Again, truth can not be contained or ever known in its full to any person or generations of people. No one knows God fully.
But we can state - form words into statements that are undeniably true.
I am designed by God! I am His design. He formed me in my mother's womb. He allowed my conception. He knew my future. No surprising God - it can't be done. He is! And He knows all.
Jesus is truth.
I am designed by God.
As a child, a little innocent girl, I was damaged.... by child abuse. This is a statement of fact. It is true.
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| She will find her way - inside out! |
I know. I understand. I have been damaged. I was abused as a baby, a toddler, a child, a tween, and a teen. I was damaged, but not by design, by being cruelly mistreated by my father, and watched by my fearful mother. Every day was a nightmare. I never could wake up from the fright. I lived on the edge of life, fearing death as much as life. No place was safe. I couldn't get out. No one came to rescue me. People pretended. They didn't want to see. They didn't want to hear. They didn't want to get messy. They didn't want to get hurt. People acted, following a wicked script, written parts for each to play. Lie. Deny. Hide. Pretend. Defend. It will one day end and go away........
For so long, I wanted to show a face of "healed"... that somehow by my healing I would reflect the glory of God... and if not healed I would bring disgrace upon His Holy Name. I failed so often, never quite good enough. Odd. Strange. Weird. Unusual. Never normal, or ordinary.... I was damaged.
You may have heard it before, I have.... "What good is your God if you are such a mess? Why doesn't God just heal you? Why do you keep stirring the past, let go, live in the present? God wouldn't....__________".
So by my response, or lack of response, I felt very responsible for God's Image, His Worth, His Glory.
Rightly so, in many ways, because I am a true follower of Jesus, one of His disciples... I wake up everyday with a heart intent to live life for Him, through Him, and to Him. But since He is truth, I must be real.
Jesus is truth. Such a simple short sentence that books could be written about those three words. Jesus is God. Need I say more, to know that we will never understand or imagine the limitless possibilities and wonders of God. And Truth... everything, every thought, every bit of energy, space and matter that is genuinely God-sourced. Again, truth can not be contained or ever known in its full to any person or generations of people. No one knows God fully.
But we can state - form words into statements that are undeniably true.
I am designed by God! I am His design. He formed me in my mother's womb. He allowed my conception. He knew my future. No surprising God - it can't be done. He is! And He knows all.
Jesus is truth.
I am designed by God.
As a child, a little innocent girl, I was damaged.... by child abuse. This is a statement of fact. It is true.
- It can be erased away. Erase it all you want, it is still there.
- It can't be put in a time capsule buried away. Burying child abuse just seeps it into every corner of life.
- It can be forgotten. It is embedded in your soul, body and spirit.... you will remember when you least want to.
- It can't be diminished by pretending it was not so bad, or discounted if people have survived.
- It can't be retold in revisionist history.... only what you choose to remember or want to remember... what you can cope with, or how it must be remembered so that you can survive.
- It can't be simplified, lumped into one block as though all the individual times of abuse don't matter.
- It can't be compared, each person abused must be allowed their memories, their feelings, their damage. It is not like group memory is good enough for each.... group memory is often a whitewashed picture.
- It can't be climbed like a mountain. One hurt at a time, one year at a time, each escalating, until one day it begins to ease into a downward walk never to cross the same path of abuse twice.
- It can't be repackaged with a pretty bow. And passed around like a unifying gift, that no one dares to open or disturb, in fear of tipping the false sense of unity and security.
- It can't be drank away, drugged away, wild-living away, spiritual-living away, spent away, eaten away, ordered away, horded away, laughed away, cried away, wished away, sung away.
I am designed by God.
I was abused as a child, damaged by abuse.
Isaiah 39: 28-31:
I was damaged by child abuse. I had grown weary and tired. I stumble badly. But I have learned to wait on the LORD! I do things His way, His pace, His timing. He orders my path. I will obey Him all the days of my life. All other voices fade away when He speaks my name. I hear His voice, He knows my name. His eyes follow me. He is always with me. I will never be alone.
By Him, I will gain new strength, I will mount up with wings like eagles, I will run and not get tired, I will walk and not become weary.... because I run to God, my Father, my Protector, my Sustainer, my Shield, my Provider, my "All-I-need" (the Great I AM).
In His eyes, I am His child, precious in His sight, beauty to behold. I will rest in His presence.
It happen! It is a fact that must be faced head on. I have learned to persevere through the reality of what happen, what damaged me, what caused me numbing pain.
Living in the future, or the present, doesn't re-write the past. Nothing can re-write the past. It must be faced and persevered through. There is an end to what must be persevered, but there is no shortcut, no easy fix, no painless way out.
Jesus is truth.
I am designed by God.
I was abused as a child, damaged by abuse.
I will persevere through the result, the wreckage left by the abuse.
When a child has been damaged by child abuse, she must be given her time, her voice, her feelings, her steps, her pain, her way, her choice. Honor her, don't try to change her, conform her, reshape her, criticize her. Give her space, time, place... to be free to be who God created her to be.
As an uniquely created individual, a genuine priceless treasure, she deserves the right to find out who she is, what she needs, where her boundaries are, what she can do, and what she can't do. She needs to be heard. She needs to be respected. She needs to be protected. She needs to be supported to find her way.
God created each of us with an amazing ability to heal inside out. The child must be trusted to follow her instincts, to listen to the Spirit, and to walk her healing path. The abused child is fragile, delicate, damaged but in due time and by God's grace she will discover her God-given design.
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is inscrutable.29He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.30Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,31Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.
I was damaged by child abuse. I had grown weary and tired. I stumble badly. But I have learned to wait on the LORD! I do things His way, His pace, His timing. He orders my path. I will obey Him all the days of my life. All other voices fade away when He speaks my name. I hear His voice, He knows my name. His eyes follow me. He is always with me. I will never be alone.
By Him, I will gain new strength, I will mount up with wings like eagles, I will run and not get tired, I will walk and not become weary.... because I run to God, my Father, my Protector, my Sustainer, my Shield, my Provider, my "All-I-need" (the Great I AM).
Jesus is truth.
I am designed by God.
I was abused as a child, damaged by abuse.
I will persevere through the result, the wreckage left by the abuse.
I run to God!
He teaches me to fly, to be who He created me to be!
In His eyes, I am His child, precious in His sight, beauty to behold. I will rest in His presence.
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