Who is Rejected?

Have you been rejected? Do you know how it feels?

In my twenties I was a fireball in love with God. I was newly converted and could never get enough of Him, His Word, His people... and I so wanted to be used, but I was so raw and young. I would watch the older ladies come to teach or do a conference and so wanted to be where they were, but I knew I wasn't ready. I had so far to go, so much to learn, so much to let God fix. I had to let God change me; I had to learn to die to myself.

As a leaf changes when it dies, so we change when we die to self.

And He has been fixing me for about 30 years! Truly, I have allowed myself to go through many major reconstruction projects... but He still has many to do.

Over the past 30 years, for the most part, I put aside the thought of "wanting to be" and pressed on,  simply figuring out how to make it through the next day: how to be a good wife, a better mom, and a stable friend. Constantly, I made mistakes. The hardest part was not so much between me and God. I have been through the drill so many times: confessing my sins to God because His Word tells me if I  lay my sins down and confess them He instantly forgives and cleanses me. (big paraphrase of 1John 1:9)

The hardest part for me is two-fold: 1) I have to move through confession on to repentance and allow God to change me--to keep me from repeating the same sin over and over and 2) even if I submit to the hard work of repentance, many people don't forgive or forget (and sometimes we don't forgive ourselves). 

Have you ever tried to move on only to be reminded of who you were? Sometimes it is not that people literally tell you this but you hear it in their voice, see it in their face, tell it by their actions. Maybe this is why Jesus said a prophet is never welcome in his hometown. The people who grew up with you or who you consider family, who think they know you best often are the same people who will not believe you have changed.

Something has always puzzled me. Why do I know God pulls me to Him, wants me to be near, loves me dearly, works through me continually - but other people -- especially 'other christians' -- seem to be repelled from me?

Truly, if I had to share my greatest thorn and pain in my life that keeps getting pushed deeper in and twisted over and over is the rejection I have gone through in local churches, mostly by leaders, pastors, and staff. "Me" and "God's People" just don't mix well. Honestly, the more accurate picture I get is that we are the "like" ends of a magnet never coming together but bouncing off every time I get close. I seem to attract "unchurched" people more than churched--not people who are anti-God, but people who don't find a 'fit' in church.

And when I think upon this - and take it to God, seeking His help to understand, I hear words from an old hymn,
"I will cling to the old rugged cross,and exchange it some day for a crown."

 O that old rugged cross, so despised by the world,
 has a wondrous attraction for me;
 for the dear Lamb of God left his glory above
 to bear it to dark Calvary.
 

 In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine,
 a wondrous beauty I see,
 for 'twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
 to pardon and sanctify me.
 

 To that old rugged cross I will ever be true,
 its shame and reproach gladly bear;
 then he'll call me some day to my home far away,
 where his glory forever I'll share.

This song doesn't give me all the answers I seek, but it settles my soul to know regardless of my experience on earth I just have to keep clinging to Him and His promises.

If Jesus was rejected, why do I wonder so, why they rejected me?

And in saying this thought, I cry out, "But I am not Jesus! I want to be, but I know I fall so short."

I hear God says to me, "Dear Child, it is Jesus who they see. It is Jesus who they see! They are't rejecting you. They are rejecting Me. Come her, Baby Girl, I will hold you."

And I remember God's process of change ... it happens when we learn to die to self. When we can say, "not my will, but Your will."

This is not easy, but I must press on and into Him.