I Am Not Who I Used to Be - Life After Healing From Childhood Abuse
I like the way my husband describes our life. For a long time we were in canoe where the rapids were class five. This was life during the challenges of healing from Childhood Abuse. We hung on tight with our little children in the canoe. And recently we made it to the calm waters.
However, two weeks ago we went over a waterfall when one of our children said he/she had been emotionally abused by me during their childhood.
It has taking me through new horrors I did not know I would have to endure. Last night I cried in bed with my head in my hands trying to accept the fact that I hurt my child enough for this child to seek counseling for being abused. I so wanted to not repeat the cycle. I did not want to abuse my children. It is one of the huge reasons I went through a decade of brain trauma therapy -- I wanted to change. I wanted to break the cycle.
While I was lying in my bed this morning, after I finally crashed last night in emotional exhaustion, I thought about my choice to go through therapy when I did. I reflected upon the fact that many of my siblings have not and did not, and they are struggling deeply in their life and relationships.
Then the thought hit me: I am NOT who I used to be. I have changed.
Even though my child is dealing with the past, I am not who I was in the past. Even if she currently does not like me or is choosing to not spend time with me because of the hurt she experienced in her childhood, that does not define who I am today.
And as my husband says, “I have to own it.” And yes, that is what is so hard. I have to own the fact that through the class five rapids I was not the best, most stable mother. I hurt my children while I was dealing with the horrible child abuse I endured.
I can stand on a rock in the water and know “I am not who I used to be!” By God’s grace, by following Him obediently through healing that lasted over a decade, I am changed. I have been changed for about 5 years. And even during the healing process, I was consistently getting better.
So I accept the reality of who I was, and thank God for the reality of who I am.
(raging rapids by mustafaran monster, sundown changes everything by wagmorebarkless, solid as a rock by magical-me -- all on deviantart)
However, two weeks ago we went over a waterfall when one of our children said he/she had been emotionally abused by me during their childhood.
It has taking me through new horrors I did not know I would have to endure. Last night I cried in bed with my head in my hands trying to accept the fact that I hurt my child enough for this child to seek counseling for being abused. I so wanted to not repeat the cycle. I did not want to abuse my children. It is one of the huge reasons I went through a decade of brain trauma therapy -- I wanted to change. I wanted to break the cycle.
While I was lying in my bed this morning, after I finally crashed last night in emotional exhaustion, I thought about my choice to go through therapy when I did. I reflected upon the fact that many of my siblings have not and did not, and they are struggling deeply in their life and relationships.
Then the thought hit me: I am NOT who I used to be. I have changed.
Even though my child is dealing with the past, I am not who I was in the past. Even if she currently does not like me or is choosing to not spend time with me because of the hurt she experienced in her childhood, that does not define who I am today.
And as my husband says, “I have to own it.” And yes, that is what is so hard. I have to own the fact that through the class five rapids I was not the best, most stable mother. I hurt my children while I was dealing with the horrible child abuse I endured.
I can stand on a rock in the water and know “I am not who I used to be!” By God’s grace, by following Him obediently through healing that lasted over a decade, I am changed. I have been changed for about 5 years. And even during the healing process, I was consistently getting better.
So I accept the reality of who I was, and thank God for the reality of who I am.
(raging rapids by mustafaran monster, sundown changes everything by wagmorebarkless, solid as a rock by magical-me -- all on deviantart)
Comments
The level of abuse I endured messed me up. I did everything in my capacity to stabilize when I raised my children. Now it is time for my own children to make decisions for their own life.
The best I can offer in a relationship is always an improved, growing, loving adult. We have to do the deep healing in our own life and to continue to do the hard work to change as God leads us and teaches us.
I am not in control of that and most certainly a person that has never met me is not. I find it wild that you think you know enough to give life advice to someone you really don't know.
Maybe it would be best for you to find another blog to read since you find such difficulty reading mine.
It just blows me away that you feel compelled to keep leaving comments. It is really weird.