Should A Survivor of Child Abuse Have Children?

Recently, I am discovering some people who have survived Child Abuse make the decision to not have children. I think it is something all survivors need to serious think about. We are wired, programmed, and a product of upbringing (or in our case down-bringing). Will we also abuse our children? Will I be like my mother and father - will I be an abuser too? I DID NOT want to repeat the cycle of abuse.

Art by: Kim Berggren Etsy Site

This was ever present in my mind in raising my children since I was coming from a very abusive home. I had to continually transform and renew my mind and I do mean continually like minute by minute because all that came naturally was extremely abusive. God was always there but of course I was not always linked to Him.

The Paradox

 The paradox was pressing into Him out of desperation changed me/ transformed me quicker and deeper than most because I HAD to be transformed BUT for all the times I grew exhausted, let my mental guard down, forgot to press in I was potentially harmful and abusive because THAT is all I got impressed into me as a child. This is how being a mother for so many years was extreme in both ways, clinging to Him, desperate in order to do simple things.

After my intense therapy of 10 years, I have lots less trials being a parent and many of the childhood impression have been replaced. A real struggle of anyone coming out of an extremely abusive childhood trying to raise a family is--whether they know it or not-- they are in the front line of the fight against Satan to destroy the family. They are under CONSTANT attack as though they are in the very trenches of Word Wars and must be alert at all times and since they are bombarded by the enemy non-stop. He uses triggers, images, thoughts, memories, similarities, voices, ignorance, family, good-folk, critics, etc. He uses anything and everything. He doesn't want to give up a family that he owns.

Satan and his minions literally encamp around such a person because they do not want to loose ground.  Allowing them be to be a family is a failure. Therefore he wages war! It takes parenting in this horrific warfare to simply have normal day to day moments.

It is so hard for others to understand what first generation survivors of horrific child abuse endure to raise a family. I did not know how damaged I was. I had such a strong will and determination to do what was right in the eyes of the Lord. I did not know what I was up against. I thought getting out of the horrific torture of childhood was the break I needed and did not understand it was ingrained/
imprinted into my mental/emotional/physical wiring of my body and brain memory and structure.

I planned to have a huge family. I wanted to raise our children up in joy, love, courage and faith. I do not regret having had children. I know --when we surrender all to Him-- God will be glorified in all lives. What I didn't know is how HARD my recovery would be on my children and my marriage and myself. My children did not come into the world with a mom capable of providing what she in her mind and will wanted to provide.

If I would have known!

If I would have known what my children would go through I would have got intensive counseling FIRST! But it was the very act of having children and raising them that surfaced so much dross that needed refining. It was my lack of ability that pressed me to be able in Him. It was my failings that brought me to my knees 10-20 times a day in literal tears/anguish pleading for Him to intercede, to help my children in spite of me, to control me, to change me, to transplant the instincts in my fiber to conform to Him thread by thread. This was no easy undertaking, it was torturous to be continually ripped and torn apart so the raw material could be re-spun into new thread so that I could be re-stiched together in His way.

I was like a blanket found at the bottom of a goodwill pile that had dirt, holes, worn spots, slashes, shreds and stains and I was trying to put a happy little picnic together for little children to play or trying to be a tent covering for them over a string hung between trees but I was not that useful because I was too broken... barely there... and needed so much repair. I was that blanket that most people would toss into the trash to be taken away to the landfill... But God took the time and pain and work to remake me for the sake of my children, then for my sake and my husband's sake and His sake.

God Knew!

I did not make the easy or even best choice because I did not know what I was! But today I totally rest knowing God did KNOW.

I did not know how damaged I was, but God did and He formed the babies within my womb.

I LOVE my children.

But to be honest, I must tell others I can not tell you the amount of times I wish I had the wisdom to not have children. And just as honest, I must tell how grateful I am for my children, I am so blessed to have them and to love! Their life and my life has not been easy, but we do know LOVE and Truth comes with suffering.