Time - Bomb! Why so Much Panic?

. What is it about a time deadline that makes me come unglued? My body physically starts to accelerate - sweating, heart pumping faster, tension building into a short fuse, voice becomes high and loud pitched, to name of few symptoms.

My mind moves to hyper-vigilance mode. Quickly scanning everyone... are they ready... why aren't they ready... what are they doing, not dressed yet... stop playing, watching TV, and fooling around outside...

Why did my husband work late until 4:30 when he said he was going to need to take the day off? Why is everything left to me at the last minute? Can anyone else be responsible?

Did the cat get extra water and food? Do we have a clean litter box to carry for cat coming? What about food... what do we need to carry with us? Medicine, vitamins, etc. Did everyone get what they needed... Who is going to forget their toothbrush this time? Sometimes they end up without socks or underwear...

How long.. how old, until they can pack an overnight bag for a trip?

I know my husband said he was taking off today to work on packing and getting the house ready... why did he say that if he wasn't? Of course, now he will say, "I couldn't. I needed to get a lot done." Well, why did he even reassure me that I would have help, if he wasn't going to do it?

The day was so busy with unexpected errands. I ran to the doctor with TeddyBear (middle son, 13 year old) at 9 am, stopped by Walgreen's to get medicine boxes for children, and picked up donuts and nice coffee for family were visiting... a thoughtful thank you gift. I was back home in time to download a song for Cupcake's (my 11 year old daughter) voice lessons. Then I was answering a few e-mails... printing out chore charts for end of this week and the next week.

I went on to checking with GreatKnight (oldest 15 year old son) to make sure his schoolwork was being done. . . he argues, says he needs to get ready... that he has not time for school... it has taken hours organizing all the little pieces of his Civilization board game. Frustrated, I made it clear school work is to be done first.

Now TeddyBear is asking for help with tools to make props to take on trip. The boys tried to accomplish this earlier in the week. I think, on previous weekend. They asked dad but it's not his interest. They need his help, can't he see and hear, they want to accomplish a woodworking tasks. Why doesn't he see this as his responsibility to lend a hand or to get them someone to teach them? Yes, I spoke up on the weekend. Pleaded for him to step up and meet their need.

No lunch yet... yeh, I had a donut for breakfast. TeddyBear wants to go to Home Depot to look for tools to woodwork... of course, I take him. Hardware store shopping takes about a hour and we talk some to Home Hepot guy about setting up potential classes for teens.. I need to talk to manager... I make a memory note.. call manager when I get time to get class set up. My boys 13 and 15 need to learn these skills.

Back home again. Wonder why oldest son is on sofa watching TV... nope, he hasn't done school work. What is going on in his head!?!? I guess he figures if he doesn't want to do it, he doesn't have to. I talk to him again about how his schoolwork must be down now.

I am totally drained.. can't keep my eyes open.. I need a nap... even 1/2 hour would help. I can't finish packing without a nap. "Wake me in 30 minutes." I go lay down. TeddyBear enters my bedroom and thanks me for new tool. He gleams with how nicely the new jigsaw/ scroll machine works. I am glad it worked out good for him. I give him thumbs up and drop to the soft comforting pillow.. I'm out.

Was that 30 minutes? Rise and shine, up and at-ummm... let's get this packing done. This is simple .. three outfits, night clothes, underclothing, toothbrush, deodorant, school book (limit those... this is suppose to be fun).

Oh, what about camera, recipe for pumpkin cake and ingredients, did I put donuts and coffee gift in bag? What shoes am I going to wear? Will I need a jacket? Makeup, little cleaning products, no jewelry... this is a relaxing weekend....

I see GreatKnight across hall... did he finish school work... what? WHAT? He didn't do it... Something has to be wrong... what am I doing wrong... Up to dad, "help me!" What do I do? Why in the world did he not do his school work? He says, "I needed time to get ready to pack and prepare items for the weekend... lots of props needed for filming fun stuff for youtube." I do not comprehend. What does that have to do with finishing High school?

His Dad tells him to finish and he will also work Friday and Saturday morning out of town. Where is his math answer book? "I don't know" You had it last, you check your answers the past two day.... "No," he says, "I used the solution book..." WHAT?

Ok, I am on the edge of loosing it... What did I tell you to do 2 days ago... "I dunt remember".... slowly...pitch high... heart raising... "I TOLD..YOU..TO .. USE.. YOUR answer book, not the solution manual to check your work." My voice is coming under control as I lower my body to ground. "I didn't do it," he replies. I am lost for words and still don't know where the answer book is.... "Could you go look for answer book?"

Trying to get back to packing, my husband is finally loading the car, "Is your bag ready?" He wonders. What???? How can it be ready.... I have, uh, kind of been distracted... "Go ahead take those two bags, I am trying to pack light."

What about the cats? Is the kitten in car... he needs his litter box emptied and clean, a new little tub put in car, his dishes washed out, food packed. Older cat, that's staying home, needs several days water dispenser and extra food.... Can somebody help? Don't look at us, we don't touch the cat litter stuff are the eyes I get from everyone.

Hmmm, time to leave, time for football end of season party we plan to hit before we head out of town, let's get in car...

I can't go ... about in tears... so strung up tight.. how does this always happen? Why am I always in a mad dash, trying to get out of the door....

"Go on, take everyone without me, I can't get ready, I am too rushed, ya'll go to the party, come get me when its over... take everyone... it will give me time and space to get ready" I say as tears of frustration start to roll down my face as they head out the door. I don't want to miss the football celebration, but I am not ready... I can't go.

The door shuts. The car pulls away. I am calm again. Quiet. I can think. No questions. No interruptions. Step by Step, I easily finish getting ready for the trip.

A thought strikes me, "I can be clam. I can get ready. Maybe it is not me... I can do this. I just can't function in chaos."

I hope God can give me a clear picture, some structure, some insight... into this repeated pattern of the mad rush to deadlines....

If I only had to get myself ready, if only everything didn't fall on me... even saying that makes me chest feel pain and heavy... there is something painful to it... something that causes panic and disorder when I am trying to leave for trip.

"When did I ever feel like that before?", I begin to think. I close my eyes. I see it clear... fear, terror, panic... I hate family trips... someone is always beat, hurt, yelled at, someone will forget something and be dropped off along the highway, belittled, cursed.... I am nervous. I am worried, will I be the one that messes up, that get's targeted for abuse, for not doing it right... we can never do it right... we ruin every trip...

I can easily see now why getting ready for trips are so hard for me. I take a deep breath. My insides are still shaking.... it feels like I am a little girl about to go on a traumatic family trip. I look around the room... No, I am not a little girl. I am a middle-aged adult. This is just another memory that I need to work on with my counselor. When will the horrible memories ever end? There is so much material for therapy....18 plus years of abuse. I take another deep breath.

I hear the garage door open. My dear family is back and I am ready to go on our relaxing weekend at our dear friends farm. I thank God for my family and this time away. Now is time to live in the present. It IS going to be a great weekend!