Learning How to Walk in Healing - Trauma-Trigger Free

I have been wanting to write, to update how I am doing, but happily I have been busy learning how to live trauma-trigger free. Yes, I did say that! And I have a big smile across my face, but a deeper joyful smile in my heart. With glee I can say, "I no longer disassociate!"

Well, that isn't totally true, I still have those drifting brain times that everyone else has like driving will I think about a conversation or a task I have to get done, or walking in a store without seeing everything around me because I am focused on thoughts of 'what's for dinner tonight?' Oh, so universally common disassociation in every human brain!

So, let me give an illustration so you can understand how different I feel. Every computer has random access memory (RAM) to operate all the current programs you are busy using and switching between. The more programs and windows you have operating the less memory left for doing tasks and the slower your programs run.

My brain has been running way too many programs and opening far too many windows at one time. Every morning I'd wake up running sluggish, having all these thoughts and feelings active in my RAM memory. That is why I would crash easily. If something triggered one or two or even a few new windows (like past memories), I would get so overloaded my brain would crash, basically have an emotional shut down.

When a computer shuts down, it can lock up, freeze, go blank, the keys may no longer function, etc.....something tipped the RAM into la la land, and not only can current memory be lost, what the computer was actively doing prior to the crash, but a crash can be so bad, you just might need to take your computer in for a repair job. Fortunately, computers just needs a little time shut off. After the down time and it is ready to start back up.



How similar a computer is to what happens in the brain! When so many memories, thoughts, disassociation are actively running around in the short term memory, the littlest of triggers can cause the adrenalin response of fight, flight or freeze, and bam! you mentally lock up, freeze, no longer function.

Well, here is the tad-ah, great news: God cleared my RAM. All those memories that would run as soon as I would open my eyes aren't loaded on the start program anymore, they are no longer pre-activated to load into my short-term memory. More amazingly, God moved them to long term memory on a separate backup drive! Sure all the memories and feelings (less deactivating) are there in my brain, but I get to decide when I want to bring a past memory up if I want to do some finishing work on it or to learn from it or to redesign the memory's outcome through therapy sessions.

I guess, I could say that I feel empty-headed, in a good sort-a way. My brain blows me away with how much I can do and think about without all those trauma triggers occurring and disassociations running on full speed each day. I can think clearly, listen better, get my thoughts organized, and have a light, happy outlook on each day.

As I continue to smile with an unending glow, I must confess I am frankly surprised how nice it feels just to sit still, not being mentally pulled into so many directions. I never lost the hope to be healed, but honestly I never really knew it would feel like this and it would be so complete.

I am living proof, my life is a testimony .... out of the depths of terror, trauma, abuse .... out of twisted, sensitive, jammed thoughts, feelings, living ... yes, out of mental illness... can come true, thorough healing! I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive! I'm living a new life, so much closer to the life God originally intended for me. I am more like "the me" God created me to be!

And life on the other side of the healing process is so good! Healing hurts while you are in it, enduring the hard work that must be done, It hurts incredibly much! But I am here to say, the victory is so sweet and worth all the pain. The pain of labor can be almost unbearable, but the gift of holding a new life in your hand is so full of promise and joy.

For now, I am learning how to walk... how to be able to think... how to decide what I want to do next...how to be consistent with myself and my family and friends. Like healing, living is a process that is not always easy, but living is not often terribly painful like the hurting days were.

I feel like I am starting my life again, really for the first time. This is my life! What I make of it is totally dependent on how I choose to live each day and build upon it. Living life is fascinating beyond my dreams. I am so creative, and capable. I still have to fight the good fight, to get through hard times that come usually each day, but I now get to deal with the present issues at hand using my full adult-self capacity instead of dealing with the monster-like memories of the past.

So, this is where I am today in my healing journey, I am learning to walk in the present, instead of living stuck in the past. What Joy is in My heart!