A Time for Confession - A Time to be Real

Years ago I learned a powerful truth about confession that I have repeated over and over to people through the years: you need only confess within the circle that you committed the sin. Often even if you confess to a person a sin in your heart that only you and God are aware, you can cause more pain and hurt in the lives of those you confess to and not do them any good.

But in the Bible, there are times that God inspired writers to tell the life stories of people in such detail that we for thousands of years are able to read about the horrible sin committed by others. King David comes to mind. A man who God says 'has a heart after God' - David loved God with all of his heart, He knew Him as a child and talked to Him many long days and nights as he shepherded his father's flocks. He was never alone, He understood that God was with Him, and He took the time it takes with another to know Him deeply.

This same man, wonderful warrior, beloved King, also did some very seedy deeds in his life. And God aired his dirty laundry for generations to read about. We know from the Bible he seduced his neighbors wife, he commanded her as King to come into his bedroom and he bore with her a child out of wedlock. While she was pregnant, he tried to plot to cover his tracks by calling her gallant warrior husband home from the battlefield where he was serving his King, the very King that had stolen his wife unbeknown to him. He denied himself time alone with his wife because he had left his men on the battlefield and would not take the comfort of his own bed as his men slept in the fields.

So King David had to take more drastic measures to cover his sins, he ordered this loyal subject to be placed on the frontline of the battlefield to meet his certain death! He literally had the husband of his lover murdered to cover his tracks. In time, David would be deeply convicted of his sin, and he would weep out to God for forgiveness, the mercy of having his sin debt removed and to no longer be chained to heart holding him in bondage and in a broken relationship with God.

Why do I share such a story in a blog dealing with finding hope for healing from being abused or for those who have lived through horrendous trauma? What could this possibly have to do with you or me? Well, I will tell you....



Tonight, as many nights in my late forties, I lay wide awake trying desperately to drift into sleep. I so need a good nights sleep to be fully functioning in the day as I mother my children, manage the home, minister to others and be a partner to my husband. A human does not function well on little to no sleep; it makes it very hard to be at their best; and often a traumatic crash will follow in a day or two in a relationship as logic, balance and reason are no longer attainable as the mind no longer processes properly in sleep deprivation.

As I laid in bed, I held a little book light and picked up one of the many books surrounding my bed. Tonight my hands landed on Four Pillars of a Man's Heart by Stu Weber. Ever trying to learn and understand the ways of life better, I figured it might give me insight to my oldest son who struggles with feeling and with my dear husband of 25 years that as every man has his strengths and weaknesses. I think, "If only I could get a glimpse of insight into the heart of my men."

After an hour of reading God does the unexpected, instead of getting a look into the heart of my men, I see clearly my own sinful heart! Grief and thanksgiving mix in my soul like two sides to the same coin. Without a doubt I am quickened to the pain I have caused in my oldest sons life, as I repeatedly failed to have control of my raging anger...a product of my abusive childhood that gripped its deep evil talons into my soul refusing to let go for such a long time.

For a second time I pause, as I type this post, to put my face into my hands and take a deep breath of remorse remembering how horrible I have been to my children. Like the apostle Paul, I continually found myself doing what I most dreadfully didn't want to be doing and couldn't force myself to do what my heart so deeply desired my actions to be. The perpetual cycle of doing what I most hated, and being who I most detested.

Sure, I would fall to my knees in tears, in wails of chest quivering pain, when I would lean too heavily out of balance on the pillar of the warrior, the protector, as was done to me throughout my childhood. I read Stu Weber's words that a warrior is a protector that stand between the child and the danger .... not who stands against the child in anger.

How can a mother live life after being revealed so much to regret and be massively ashamed of? I am the cause of my son's pain and sorrow. I am the one who broke is heart. I didn't protect him from danger. I was the danger. My words were the poison tipped darts that build a steel cage around his heart! He suffers and struggles today because of me. I am the wicked sinner in his life. I, the one who should have gently rocked, tightly held, adoringly watched and dotingly listened was viciously stern, fearfully controlling, confusingly hurtful and unrelentingly strict.

Oh, I tried to lean on God with every fiber in my being to change, to be the mother my children needed, but the damage was being done while I was like an octopus grasping for help in every direction. I surrendered to medication, therapy, repentance, prayer, deliverance, internal brow beating and graveling to anyone that would lend me a hand. Oh, how I wanted help, and how I asked everywhere and everyone I could find to prevent me from repeating the cycle of abuse.

Yes, a day did not go by without a painful altercation nor did a day pass away without me humbly crying out to God and my child to forgive me. I would tell my child how wrong my behavior was and how a parent should never ever treat a child the way I had. I did not want them to learn from my model of parenting they experienced, instead I wanted them to learn from my modeling a repentant heart how to be a loving, gentle caring parent.

So many times I wondered and even spoke about how my family would be better off without me. That there must be some other women, so much better suited to raise my precious children. I longed for a relative, a friend, a social worker, a neighbor, a church lady, whoever God could provide to help me be a better mother day in and day out. I took all the assistance available that I was aware of to help someone in my position.

And unquestionably I am not the mother today that I was 16 years ago! I am by a far-stretch not the perfect parent, but I have been through a inner makeover. I am painfully sorry that the growth and changes could not have been instantaneously. My children could have been spared of so much sadness.

So here I sit at my keyboard one hour later, knowing I am a sinful mother that doesn't deserve a relationship with my child but that is totally blessed to get anything that is extended to her. My family has learned more than unconditional love of a parent who will never give up on them, they have learn the humility of repentance, natural consequences and redemption available to those who turn to God for forgiveness and restoration.

This is my confession, my time to be real. I have hurt my children deeply. I have with an authentic relationship confessed my sin to God and them. I have been willing to accept the natural consequences, and been ever so grateful to receive God grace of 1John 1:9 "If I confess my sins God is faithful and just to forgive my sins, and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness." And to claim God's promise in Romans 8:1 "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." I am responsible but not condemned! I have consequences but not the penalty nor the bondage of my sins, because I have been covered in His grace through His forgiveness. And by this grace (undeserved mercy), I can hold my head up, with a smile on my face and continue to parent aiming toward tender, loving care.

Is there something you need to confess and receive forgiveness and grace for?