Integrated EMDR (aslo called Brainspotting)

by paulina27/ deviant art

Yesterday I had an EMDR session that was unlike all the years when I was in disassociated parts of myself, experiencing alters. It has been about two years since the regular weekly sessions of hard work that I endured for a decade in the grand quest of becoming whole.

Thankfully, I had a reprieve from brain therapy work.

Since the continual bombardment of trauma triggers had subsided, I have been living as my adult self. Yet,  I began to notice some lingering issues--hangups, as one might call them-- that were attached to traumatic childhood events. Therefore, my response to what would be to most minor events was enormous--consuming and debilitating. I could be easily driven into ranting tears and rage over trival issues that an adult would handle with communication and self-adjustment.

One thing I have learned from many years of therapy is that I cannot change others and often I cannot change the circumstance but I have complete ability to learn how to adjust my own response both inward and outward.

During childhood, football games were a cause for trauma. My father would yell and rage at the players, announcers and eventually us. Several times not only were we subject to emotional and psychological abuse (and verbal - goes without saying) but physical abuse would shortly follow.

The pinnacle scene seared into my brain was the football game that pushed my father over the edge to begin chasing us down to stab us with a fork. Of course, that was the beginning of hours of tirade that became terror-abuse.

So in this session, I began with my therapist centering myself and attaching my core resource which now is strong the Lord. I strengthened that felt-sense in the physical spot of my body and purple was the color that emanated from this calm. From there, I entered the childhood scene with the Lord.

After watching in my mind for a moment, I began to giggle. I laughed and then apologized to my therapist and continued to laugh at how different, but also, how simple this session would be. When I could regain myself to speak, I explained that God simply walked up to the television and shut it off.

Well, if all trauma could be handled so easily!

God gently placed the fork on the table, saying something like and "this is for eating". Resting in its proper place, He turned his attention to my father.

Oh, God overwhelms me with His grace and calm.

God placed my father in a bed quite similar to the way He had done for me so many times at the conclusion of a harried EMDR session of confronting trauma. His tenders and cherished way he treated my father touched my heart, especially when God stroked his hair. I could tell that I was to participate along with the Lord ... it was no longer a time of seeing a monster to fear but a feeble old man who had lived a hard life... he was not to be pitied, but to be treated with kindness as one would any poor old soul.

After, we simply sat side by side on the family sofa before the TV. Sitting in silence with the Lord in the same room of the childhood scene was serene.

Then God turned the television on, and we shared the football game together. We even had a few game day snacks and eventually invited my husband and children and friends to join us.

Before God left He held my face compassionately between his palms and loved on me with words of affirmation.

A tear comes to my eye as I write these words, for He loves me more than I can comprehend.

In the closing of this session, I spoke with my therapist about how different it was to be an adult in the trauma scene instead of a fragmented alter of a child. I see my maturity and my ability to respond as an adult would or at least should. This was a big step to see how different EMDR is after integration of fragmented alters.

I hope this sharing gives hope, insight and educational understanding and that each may take what they need for life.

I highly recommend brain therapy for people who have been through abuse and trauma... have hope; I am living proof that this type of therapy works.