Relationships with People after Trauma or PTSD
Relationships are hard for everybody, but even more complicated for people who have been through abuse, trauma and suffer PTSD (or anything similar to this.)
I am learning that I am afraid of people. Really it is not people in general but it is that I am afraid of continuing to be hurt by people, of letting my guard down, and of hurting people too -- that last one, I seem to be a pro at. My words cut. I love to write but they seem to have such an ability to bite.
Growing up in such an overbearing abusive home, I was conditioned to NOT SPEAK, to NOT FEEL.
It was not safe. It could literally get you killed. I got beat up for a smirk and the beating lasted over 4 hours including having a shotgun, loaded and cocked held to my head. It took a very long time in therapy for me to learn to speak what I thought and felt, to stand up for myself, and to not suffer quietly alone after something happen.
With my abuser being my father, it is probably safe to say I have the hardest time having a relationship with a male figure. My precious husband of thirty years loved me enough to ignore my words and to hang on and still love me. I laughing called the first years of our marriage the 'taming of the shrew' but now I see that is exactly what it was. I was unconsciously trying to push him away, to get him to leave, to say or do something that would end it all, but he stuck to me like superglue. He refused to even mention the "d" word -- it was not an option.
Even so, I don't think I like to have relationships with men - and I guess that is good because I am married, really I have the best relationship with my husband and God - the two most important men in the world... but still, even in social situations, I tend to challenge men, to push, to say things that might get a reactions. I did not do it on purpose - this is something I can see in looking back -- it is a pattern. It is a realization I am just starting to see.
For so long, I wanted an "extended family" - a mother figure, a father figure, a happy place to spend the holidays. I tried to make it work but I never understood why people don't really include non-blood relatives in their closest of circles... when it comes down to it they usually go on vacation or spend holiday time with their real family. This burnt me so many times. I felt so on the outside looking in.
Anyone who deals with trauma triggers, PTSD, understand that pain of being triggered. The horrible sense that you know you just want to live life, to be happy, to live simple, but you can't seem to get along... instead you continually get tripped up.
Maybe, I really am afraid of people. I didn't think I feared anymore. I lived in fear for so long, had night terrors, visitations of demonic activity nightly, hallucinations in the dark ---all from being terrorized during my childhood by my parents. In early years of healing --about 25 years ago--I tackled fear with the help of my pastor. I was grateful. I was released. I faced fear with God and won. So I felt pretty strong, and this confidence helped me, little by little, tackle issue after issue.
Few people, very few, understand trauma triggers--why you freeze, why you push, why you hide, why you make a scene, why you can't seem to control your behavior, your body, your mouth or you emotions.
It is not always bad. You are not always tripped up. But when things start to fall apart emotionally or physically, it seems to rapidly cause bleeding of the soul in many areas.
Sometimes it can take a few weeks for emotions and rawness to level out to normal. Unfortunately during that time of rawness you are more sensitive and can overreact to more everyday happenings. I recently stated that I felt like a stack of plates being held in the air by a juggler; I literally felt that if one more thing was added to my life, I would topple over and crash to the ground. As you can imagine, it is very hard to walk around in life so fragile. No one sees how fragile you are, but it doesn't change the fact that anyone can easily be the "innocent" one to topple you.
I find when I feel most vulnerable I stay home or with friends that really understand me. It is better for everyone. I also quickly make an appointment to deal with the state in therapy --it is like a check-up or a chiropractor re-adjustment. I need to mentally and emotionally get back inline. I need to deal with the triggers head-on to diffuse them and to discover if something major is bubbling underneath.
So be good to yourself. Pick your closest friends carefully. I find that people who have been through abuse and trauma are more likely to be understanding, especially if they are also learning to deal with issues and heal. Allow yourself time to relax, to nurture yourself and be expressive in some positive way. I am beginning to paint. This is simply another source for self-expression; it is healing too.
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| (by syramajic101 on deviant art) |
I am learning that I am afraid of people. Really it is not people in general but it is that I am afraid of continuing to be hurt by people, of letting my guard down, and of hurting people too -- that last one, I seem to be a pro at. My words cut. I love to write but they seem to have such an ability to bite.
Growing up in such an overbearing abusive home, I was conditioned to NOT SPEAK, to NOT FEEL.
It was not safe. It could literally get you killed. I got beat up for a smirk and the beating lasted over 4 hours including having a shotgun, loaded and cocked held to my head. It took a very long time in therapy for me to learn to speak what I thought and felt, to stand up for myself, and to not suffer quietly alone after something happen.
With my abuser being my father, it is probably safe to say I have the hardest time having a relationship with a male figure. My precious husband of thirty years loved me enough to ignore my words and to hang on and still love me. I laughing called the first years of our marriage the 'taming of the shrew' but now I see that is exactly what it was. I was unconsciously trying to push him away, to get him to leave, to say or do something that would end it all, but he stuck to me like superglue. He refused to even mention the "d" word -- it was not an option.
Even so, I don't think I like to have relationships with men - and I guess that is good because I am married, really I have the best relationship with my husband and God - the two most important men in the world... but still, even in social situations, I tend to challenge men, to push, to say things that might get a reactions. I did not do it on purpose - this is something I can see in looking back -- it is a pattern. It is a realization I am just starting to see.
For so long, I wanted an "extended family" - a mother figure, a father figure, a happy place to spend the holidays. I tried to make it work but I never understood why people don't really include non-blood relatives in their closest of circles... when it comes down to it they usually go on vacation or spend holiday time with their real family. This burnt me so many times. I felt so on the outside looking in.
Anyone who deals with trauma triggers, PTSD, understand that pain of being triggered. The horrible sense that you know you just want to live life, to be happy, to live simple, but you can't seem to get along... instead you continually get tripped up.
Maybe, I really am afraid of people. I didn't think I feared anymore. I lived in fear for so long, had night terrors, visitations of demonic activity nightly, hallucinations in the dark ---all from being terrorized during my childhood by my parents. In early years of healing --about 25 years ago--I tackled fear with the help of my pastor. I was grateful. I was released. I faced fear with God and won. So I felt pretty strong, and this confidence helped me, little by little, tackle issue after issue.
Few people, very few, understand trauma triggers--why you freeze, why you push, why you hide, why you make a scene, why you can't seem to control your behavior, your body, your mouth or you emotions.
It is not always bad. You are not always tripped up. But when things start to fall apart emotionally or physically, it seems to rapidly cause bleeding of the soul in many areas.
Sometimes it can take a few weeks for emotions and rawness to level out to normal. Unfortunately during that time of rawness you are more sensitive and can overreact to more everyday happenings. I recently stated that I felt like a stack of plates being held in the air by a juggler; I literally felt that if one more thing was added to my life, I would topple over and crash to the ground. As you can imagine, it is very hard to walk around in life so fragile. No one sees how fragile you are, but it doesn't change the fact that anyone can easily be the "innocent" one to topple you.
I find when I feel most vulnerable I stay home or with friends that really understand me. It is better for everyone. I also quickly make an appointment to deal with the state in therapy --it is like a check-up or a chiropractor re-adjustment. I need to mentally and emotionally get back inline. I need to deal with the triggers head-on to diffuse them and to discover if something major is bubbling underneath.
So be good to yourself. Pick your closest friends carefully. I find that people who have been through abuse and trauma are more likely to be understanding, especially if they are also learning to deal with issues and heal. Allow yourself time to relax, to nurture yourself and be expressive in some positive way. I am beginning to paint. This is simply another source for self-expression; it is healing too.
Comments
I am only now understanding how all consuming PTSD is in one's life. I was recently in a long term relationship, brought our kids together and made a family, something I had desperately craved my entire life. But things ended badly because of my uncontrollable responses to PTSD. He couldn't understand the type of love I needed and how to treat me with my condition, to help me through it and understand it was not my choice to react the way I did but rather a part of my brain taking over to protect another traumatize part of me.
Thank you for this post and many others you have written. They speak deeply to me and I thank you for having the cottage to share your innermost battles and triumphs with those of us that also side. We need to see we are not alone, not entirely too blame for the way we react to things. We must be aware of ourselves, gentle to our damaged souls, loving and apologetic to those we hurt in our moments of "insanity"and be with and around people that truly care and see past the episodes we have.
Thank you again! I will be back for more <3
I am so sorry that the person in your life in the long term relationship didn't make a commitment to you for "better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health". We all in relationships will have crisis and do not know ahead of time what it might be. Unfortunately physical disease like cancer is seen as quite different than PTSD (and other somewhat hidden) illnesses.
You are not alone, nor are you to be blamed for PTSD responses. Damaged souls need gentleness like you sad so beautifully. You have a very good sense of taking responsibility for your actions though you can never blame yourself as long as you are moving toward healing. This is why I so desperately sought healing and was motivated to stay in it when I had to drag myself because healing can be HARD! I wanted to be the best "me" for my own family.
I applaud you for all you have done already!