Accepting Myself - I am Not Normal

I have tried 

for so long to be a productive, normal person, but I can not!

It is not that I have not tried.

Tenderized to Sense More
(Tender by AntePyra on Devientart)

For fifty years I have wanted to live a simple life, one like the average person.

That is not my life!

How long does it take a person to come to terms with who they are? How long does it take a person to accept themselves? a lifetime of acceptance, a little at a time, piece by piece.... for do we ever grasp in whole who we really are at any one time to accept ourselves all at once?

I am a person that was raised (unraised I like to think of it) in a horrifically abusive home that caused lasting (dare I say permanent), deep, and wide results to my body, soul and mind.

Yes, I have had amazing recovery. I am today not who I was 20 years ago, even 10 years ago. I am always changing for the better. I can smile at that thought-- at least that is a positive! With God dwelling inside, a person cannot deteriorate. A "Christian-indeed" can only improve because God + anything = anything better!

And yet, no matter how hard I try to run from myself, I keep bumping into my frailties, my brokeness, my less-the-normalties. Some days are more jumbled than others.

Since I have been tenderized, 

like a piece of meat beat with a jagged mallet, I am more sensitive to the spiritual realm.

I feel the warfare in my body. I sense evil, sin, deception, blindness, manipulation, covert plans and the like so much more than the average. In this awareness, I am above average, and thus again not normal. My body, mind and soul is like a spiritual barometer... it knows when the spiritual world is shifting, warring, plotting, cracking, moving, etc. I cannot control it. I have to live it and accept it.

And this ability has a deep influence on my words, behavior and thoughts.

For a long time, I have been trying to imagine what I can be when I grow up. I have seriously thought about going back to school to be a professor of English, a licensed counselor, a registered nurse, a graphic designer, a journalist, a historian, an art therapist, and more. I have spent time combing wanted ads to see what I would be good at, to see if I am employable. I have a degree in Early Childhood education that was certified in K-8th grade; this degree is no longer available; my degree is basically useless because I am not licensed; I would have to go to college again in order to teach. I stopped teaching when I had my children and have stayed home teaching them for twenty years. Or have they been teaching me? Regardless of the direction of the teaching taking place, I have changed.

And always I ask, "God, what do you want me to do?" I will do anything and everything for Him. I am totally devoted, yielded, available, but am I totally useful, able, wanted, needed by the kingdom-work-world?

By God, yes; by man, not so much.

Why so many other more able "mind, body, souls" are able to serve in man's kingdom work! Why would man/woman choose to have someone like me to work with? Others are easier.

God has always found creative ways of allowing me to be His eyes/ears/mouth; And for each opportunity I am thankful; For only God truly understands or appreciates me as I am.

That is what is wrong! or is it right?

I am an odd shape 

trying as hard as I might to fit into a normal-shaped world. I simply don't fit! I am outside of the mold. I don't comply. I cannot be conformed, for I am transformed. I walk a different step: hop, skip, clop, spin, two-step, march... in an erratic meter. I am not predicable. God is a God of order but He did not make robots.

But, as simply as God is: "I am" what I am... so am i and so are you. We can not change that! With God, we can improve, but we can't un-be. Do you understand that? We must be.

So, where am I to go with this? what am I to do? What does it mean?

I do not yet know the details. I only know the moment that I am in:

Undeniable, pure, acceptance and love of God. 

And for me, for this moment forward, God is more than enough.

God is enough! more than enough.... God is all!

I am not normal but I am God's!