50 Shades of Abuse - The Attraction of Abuse and Abusive Relationships
I don't like to write an important article about a current book or movie because what is "hot" today will be forgotten years from now and I write what is timeless. Horrifically, 50 Shades of Grey, will be part of our vernacular from this time forward, even if only in a reference. Sadomasochism is not love but abuse; the sex portrayed in 50 Shades of Grey is sadomasochist. When you derive pleasure from inflicting pain on others, it is a mental sickness, not a healthy relationship.
Why do some people seem to repetitively get in abusive relationships or stay in an abusive one?
Like little boys seem to be attracted to mud, some people seem to be attracted to abuse. In this article I am going to address some reasons why and what a person should do if they find themselves in an abusive relationship.
I want to begin by giving the warning signs of an abusive person:
The reasons are many why people get in abusive relationships. It is not uncommon for someone who grew up in abuse to end up in an abusive relationship. Often this is because the person has not learned healthy relationship boundaries and behaviors to be able to identify the red flags of abuse such as possessiveness, jealousy, and manipulation that is usually mild until the relationship is solidified by either moving in together or getting married. It makes sense that a person who has been abused is use to being treated inappropriately in relationships. It can even feel safe because it is familiar.
Another reason is because a person who comes from abuse has not experience how wonderful a healthy relationship can be, and they have lower expectations for what they deserve. They can put up with inappropriate comments or behaviors because they are thankful for the love they do receive. They convince themselves that they can love the other person enough to stop the negative comments or behavior. Or they are so starved for attention and love that they survive regardless of what they receive.
I am always amazed by how many people, woman in particular, that end up marrying someone who abuses them. They say they were "totally shocked" until after the marriage. They simply ignored the signs of potential abuse. They so wanted to be married and to be "in love" that they overlooked anything negative during the "dating" stage. Lady after lady has shared the same story. Their husband started to physically abusive to them on the honeymoon, often on the first night. Now with so many people not marrying and simply living together, the abuse today happens soon after the partner fully moves in. And they stay in the relationship, even if they are not married, because they somehow think it is either really their fault (as the abuser tells them), that they can change the person because they love him or they are too terrified to try to leave.
Oh, how I wish I could help people to stop submitting themselves to abuse!
Women who are drawn to the 2011 erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey and now to the motion picture are opening the door to a pornographic pervasion and abuse that gives short-term sexual gratification but that also opens the door to horrific abuse to be inflicted upon people.
No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship and if someone has abused you, YOU are NOT the person to help them overcome their problems. YOU are not the reason for their abusing behaviors; YOU did not cause them to abuse.
The abuser has real serious emotional problems and they need medical/mental help. Often this only happens if you call the police and turn them into the authorities. But then again, I am amazed how so called "love" for the person or "fear" keeps the abused person from calling the police or social services.
Abuse is a serious crime. It is a crime against a God, a person and society. If a person is abusing you, they will abuse other people. You are not helping the person or anyone else by not filing a police report and following through with pressing charges.
Of course, life and death safety comes first. If you are currently in an abusive relationship, call a victims hotline and get to safety before you call the police, but as soon as you can, do what you can to get the abuser turned in to authorities so that they can be prevented from continuing to abuse people. Hopefully the person will get mental care. I say this knowing the pain of having loved ones who need help. It is not easy to do the right thing. It is much easier to ignore the issue of abuse and pretend it is not happening.
I realize that people from all over the world read my blog, so I do not have all of the international numbers and contacts for each of you. I suggest that you call your local authorities for help or use an internet search to find a Domestic Violence shelter.
In America, the National Domestic Violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Why do some people seem to repetitively get in abusive relationships or stay in an abusive one?
Like little boys seem to be attracted to mud, some people seem to be attracted to abuse. In this article I am going to address some reasons why and what a person should do if they find themselves in an abusive relationship.
I want to begin by giving the warning signs of an abusive person:
Jealousy: The person is continually making sure others do not get your attention. He is paranoid about other relationships and how you spend your time. He even wants to know what you have talked to others about, and probes for the details. He makes it clear that you are his, and no one else's.
Controlling: This is very related to jealousy but it is more advanced. A controlling person is tracking you, checking your phone or emails, wanting to know what you are doing between leaving home and going to work. If you have someone in your life that is constantly questioning you and your motive, beware. He may tell you that he cannot live without you and will hurt himself (or others) if you leave.
Isolation: If a person is obsessed with you and wants you all to themselves this is not love by a very dangerous sign. If he sabotages relationships for you or encourages you to break off relationships, especially with family and close friends, he is trying to isolate you so that he can abuse you and you will have no one to turn to for help. Due to him, you do not get to go out much and he avoids most social situations. He does not like inviting people over.
Sensitive: If the person is very easily hurt and feels like your words or actions are always in question, but surprisingly they can say anything to you, be careful. Also if the person seems to always twist what is said or makes what happen about how it was unfair or hurtful to him, you are likely with someone who will abuse.
Temper: Do not for a minute brush away anger that burst into violence. The violence may be in harsh, biting words or cursing. If he breaks things when he is mad, throws things, punches walls, is uncontrollable with rage, do NOT be in a relationship with this person. Even if you love them, make them get help first BEFORE you will be in a relationship.
The reasons are many why people get in abusive relationships. It is not uncommon for someone who grew up in abuse to end up in an abusive relationship. Often this is because the person has not learned healthy relationship boundaries and behaviors to be able to identify the red flags of abuse such as possessiveness, jealousy, and manipulation that is usually mild until the relationship is solidified by either moving in together or getting married. It makes sense that a person who has been abused is use to being treated inappropriately in relationships. It can even feel safe because it is familiar.
Another reason is because a person who comes from abuse has not experience how wonderful a healthy relationship can be, and they have lower expectations for what they deserve. They can put up with inappropriate comments or behaviors because they are thankful for the love they do receive. They convince themselves that they can love the other person enough to stop the negative comments or behavior. Or they are so starved for attention and love that they survive regardless of what they receive.
I am always amazed by how many people, woman in particular, that end up marrying someone who abuses them. They say they were "totally shocked" until after the marriage. They simply ignored the signs of potential abuse. They so wanted to be married and to be "in love" that they overlooked anything negative during the "dating" stage. Lady after lady has shared the same story. Their husband started to physically abusive to them on the honeymoon, often on the first night. Now with so many people not marrying and simply living together, the abuse today happens soon after the partner fully moves in. And they stay in the relationship, even if they are not married, because they somehow think it is either really their fault (as the abuser tells them), that they can change the person because they love him or they are too terrified to try to leave.
Oh, how I wish I could help people to stop submitting themselves to abuse!
Women who are drawn to the 2011 erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey and now to the motion picture are opening the door to a pornographic pervasion and abuse that gives short-term sexual gratification but that also opens the door to horrific abuse to be inflicted upon people.
No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship and if someone has abused you, YOU are NOT the person to help them overcome their problems. YOU are not the reason for their abusing behaviors; YOU did not cause them to abuse.
The abuser has real serious emotional problems and they need medical/mental help. Often this only happens if you call the police and turn them into the authorities. But then again, I am amazed how so called "love" for the person or "fear" keeps the abused person from calling the police or social services.
Abuse is a serious crime. It is a crime against a God, a person and society. If a person is abusing you, they will abuse other people. You are not helping the person or anyone else by not filing a police report and following through with pressing charges.
Of course, life and death safety comes first. If you are currently in an abusive relationship, call a victims hotline and get to safety before you call the police, but as soon as you can, do what you can to get the abuser turned in to authorities so that they can be prevented from continuing to abuse people. Hopefully the person will get mental care. I say this knowing the pain of having loved ones who need help. It is not easy to do the right thing. It is much easier to ignore the issue of abuse and pretend it is not happening.
I realize that people from all over the world read my blog, so I do not have all of the international numbers and contacts for each of you. I suggest that you call your local authorities for help or use an internet search to find a Domestic Violence shelter.
In America, the National Domestic Violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
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