I Need Help, But Nobody Will Help Me; I have PTSD
I am over stimulated, not in a caffeinated way but in a PTSD way. My thinking and body is not reacting normal. And I have learned that I need people. I am willing to express this need, and to not give up.
Normal, that made me laugh. What is normal? I am not normal. Well, sometimes I am very normal, at least I do seem that way, but like a crashing wave I become un-normal. It is always unexpectedly, like a tornado dropping out of a clear, sunny sky.
It is that I am triggered. I don't always pick up the source immediately, but I see the ripples and then the tidal waves that I cause to crash into the people who happen to be around me. I overreact, burst out with emotion and forceful responses to simple questions. Every word or body language perceived is amplified, coded; channeling into the warped side of my brain, the cavern of memories that are tilted in odd angles like a mirrored room of a "fun house." But this house is not fun, it is mental torture.
It has been two days now. I asked for help. Well, it has really been weeks. It began with little suggestions and request, then I built up to directly asking, finally I put out a public announcement. I need help to organize my house. I have "it" built into little projects: a room, a few boxes, books, etc. But who am I kidding, the reason I need help is because it is not simple or little. It is too emotional for me. Something is blocking my brain from tackling it. I am braindead when I look at the boxes. I don't know what to do because it is my stuff.
I can keep an office, a classroom, or even help someone else with their home but I am frozen with my own items. My things hold memories. I have already weeded out a lot, many black bags full. I just don't know what step to take next. My brain will not function; it won't put it in order; it is like a jigsaw box of mixed up puzzle pieces from a few different pictures. I can't seem to figure out how to tackle it.
And so I wait. And wait. I am waiting for someone to help me. Like I have so many other times of my life. I waited and waited for people to help but no one did. No one came to our rescue as children. I even reached out and told child protective services. I told them everything, spoke to a caseworker for hours, BUT they did nothing. I waited and waited, but no one helped us.
I had children and knew I needed help in being a mother. I asked so many people. I went to church office after church office. I simply wanted someone to watch me and help me to learn how to respond in a better way. I watched other people and tried to learn. I read books and tried to pick up tips but I needed help. I reached out, I asked, and I waited. I waited and waited and waited but no one ever got back with me. No one ever helped me.
And yes, for those wondering I did turn to God. I did rely on HIM. He was always there, but something inside of me tells me there were many "someone elses" that ignored His request. He was sending me help, flesh and blood, help but people were too busy; they didn't have time; they had their own family. So I did the best I could.
And so here I am. Again asking for help, willing to pay, knowing I am blocked and need help. Yet, I wait. And this is triggering me. All of those other times of waiting are piling up on top of this time and they are overloading me.
I do not know why. I trust God that He will provide what I need. So does he want me to continue at the snail pace that I have for the past few months. Does he want me to push through being frozen? Does he want me to get therapy? I will seek Him and pray. I do not know the answer.
I just feel trapped. I want to run, but I feel like I am in the middle of an ocean and in every direction the distance is so far. It makes me tired to look. So do I float on my back or tread water in place or in exhaustion let my body sink down. Is this what let go and let God means? Do I let go of striving and let my body sink, slowly loosing breath and wait for God to rise me back up to the surface?
(Next Friday I will post God's answer to this need!)
 |
| Photo Credit: Aerendail DeviantArt |
Normal, that made me laugh. What is normal? I am not normal. Well, sometimes I am very normal, at least I do seem that way, but like a crashing wave I become un-normal. It is always unexpectedly, like a tornado dropping out of a clear, sunny sky.
It is that I am triggered. I don't always pick up the source immediately, but I see the ripples and then the tidal waves that I cause to crash into the people who happen to be around me. I overreact, burst out with emotion and forceful responses to simple questions. Every word or body language perceived is amplified, coded; channeling into the warped side of my brain, the cavern of memories that are tilted in odd angles like a mirrored room of a "fun house." But this house is not fun, it is mental torture.
It has been two days now. I asked for help. Well, it has really been weeks. It began with little suggestions and request, then I built up to directly asking, finally I put out a public announcement. I need help to organize my house. I have "it" built into little projects: a room, a few boxes, books, etc. But who am I kidding, the reason I need help is because it is not simple or little. It is too emotional for me. Something is blocking my brain from tackling it. I am braindead when I look at the boxes. I don't know what to do because it is my stuff.
I can keep an office, a classroom, or even help someone else with their home but I am frozen with my own items. My things hold memories. I have already weeded out a lot, many black bags full. I just don't know what step to take next. My brain will not function; it won't put it in order; it is like a jigsaw box of mixed up puzzle pieces from a few different pictures. I can't seem to figure out how to tackle it.
And so I wait. And wait. I am waiting for someone to help me. Like I have so many other times of my life. I waited and waited for people to help but no one did. No one came to our rescue as children. I even reached out and told child protective services. I told them everything, spoke to a caseworker for hours, BUT they did nothing. I waited and waited, but no one helped us.
I had children and knew I needed help in being a mother. I asked so many people. I went to church office after church office. I simply wanted someone to watch me and help me to learn how to respond in a better way. I watched other people and tried to learn. I read books and tried to pick up tips but I needed help. I reached out, I asked, and I waited. I waited and waited and waited but no one ever got back with me. No one ever helped me.
And yes, for those wondering I did turn to God. I did rely on HIM. He was always there, but something inside of me tells me there were many "someone elses" that ignored His request. He was sending me help, flesh and blood, help but people were too busy; they didn't have time; they had their own family. So I did the best I could.
 |
| Photo Credit: Paralelldeviant at deviantART |
And so here I am. Again asking for help, willing to pay, knowing I am blocked and need help. Yet, I wait. And this is triggering me. All of those other times of waiting are piling up on top of this time and they are overloading me.
I do not know why. I trust God that He will provide what I need. So does he want me to continue at the snail pace that I have for the past few months. Does he want me to push through being frozen? Does he want me to get therapy? I will seek Him and pray. I do not know the answer.
I just feel trapped. I want to run, but I feel like I am in the middle of an ocean and in every direction the distance is so far. It makes me tired to look. So do I float on my back or tread water in place or in exhaustion let my body sink down. Is this what let go and let God means? Do I let go of striving and let my body sink, slowly loosing breath and wait for God to rise me back up to the surface?
(Next Friday I will post God's answer to this need!)
Comments
Blessings all,
Journey