Stumbling into PTSD Everywhere I Turn
I have had the luxury of living PTSD safe for several years. I stopped after 10 years of therapy because in prayer I felt the Lord was telling me that the time was finished. I rejoiced! I had waited for that "word" for many years. During all of those years, I was diligent to walk closely with God and listen for His direction. I only did therapy on what I could feel Him leading me to deal with, and I was so grateful to wrap it up.
This year a new season has began. Hopefully it will be short.
My Siblings have entered my life in a bigger way then they ever had been. I want to know them and love them, but I didn't realize how much this would cause me to be raw and to stumble into PTSD episodes again. I am at a different place in life in many ways. I am more mature, experienced in dealing with trauma and less fragile as a person but I am still vulnerable to being overcome by emotions.
I have been planning on visiting my sisters. The weekend is almost here. It has been planned for a few months. In my giving nature, I love to buy gifts for people and have been trying to find little items for each that would make a sweet gift. Oh, my! I didn't know HOW HARD this was going to be.
First, it doesn't help that I really don't know much about them present day. I am grasping in the dark trying to imagine what make make them happy and feel loved. What small token would be appreciated? And then I am trying to avoid anything that would bring up hurtful memories.
I stopped by a bird store. I have always loved going into this store. I love the outdoors and birds. I looked at a few bird houses, was seriously considering some hummingbird feeders and then I saw these wooden chimes. The store had several varieties of chimes and I began ringing a few. It was then that I remembered that my father put up a chime that rang every time the front door opened. He put it there so he could tell when someone came in and out of the front door.
Just hearing the chimes and recalling that picture messed me up. After that point nothing seemed right. Everything I touched was not appropriate. It really was not the things in the store. It was that I was messed up inside. I had been tripped, triggered, whatever you want to call it and I was in a very nervous mood. I began to doubt myself, wanting to get my sister gifts, wondering if I would ever find anything appropriate. I quickly made my way out of the store and headed home. I was done for the day.
I am not a paraplegic. I don't have cancer. I can walk, talk and even like to pretend I can sing. I have never been in a serious car wreck, or had surgery for broken valve in my heart. BUT PTSD slams into you when you least expect it and you can't control it. Yes, I am an overcomer. A thriver, more than a survivor! But this does not mean I won't have setbacks and that I don't need people in my love to appreciate me for ME!
This year a new season has began. Hopefully it will be short.
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| Photo Credit: the gathering crowd by sonikgroove DeivantART |
My Siblings have entered my life in a bigger way then they ever had been. I want to know them and love them, but I didn't realize how much this would cause me to be raw and to stumble into PTSD episodes again. I am at a different place in life in many ways. I am more mature, experienced in dealing with trauma and less fragile as a person but I am still vulnerable to being overcome by emotions.
I have been planning on visiting my sisters. The weekend is almost here. It has been planned for a few months. In my giving nature, I love to buy gifts for people and have been trying to find little items for each that would make a sweet gift. Oh, my! I didn't know HOW HARD this was going to be.
First, it doesn't help that I really don't know much about them present day. I am grasping in the dark trying to imagine what make make them happy and feel loved. What small token would be appreciated? And then I am trying to avoid anything that would bring up hurtful memories.
 |
| photo credit: wind chimes by jenelizabeth Deviant ART |
I stopped by a bird store. I have always loved going into this store. I love the outdoors and birds. I looked at a few bird houses, was seriously considering some hummingbird feeders and then I saw these wooden chimes. The store had several varieties of chimes and I began ringing a few. It was then that I remembered that my father put up a chime that rang every time the front door opened. He put it there so he could tell when someone came in and out of the front door.
Just hearing the chimes and recalling that picture messed me up. After that point nothing seemed right. Everything I touched was not appropriate. It really was not the things in the store. It was that I was messed up inside. I had been tripped, triggered, whatever you want to call it and I was in a very nervous mood. I began to doubt myself, wanting to get my sister gifts, wondering if I would ever find anything appropriate. I quickly made my way out of the store and headed home. I was done for the day.
I am not a paraplegic. I don't have cancer. I can walk, talk and even like to pretend I can sing. I have never been in a serious car wreck, or had surgery for broken valve in my heart. BUT PTSD slams into you when you least expect it and you can't control it. Yes, I am an overcomer. A thriver, more than a survivor! But this does not mean I won't have setbacks and that I don't need people in my love to appreciate me for ME!
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