Stolen Trust of a Ghost

Promises can be empty words that disappear as soon as time gets difficult. 

What if you leave?

Promise says, "I am comfortable here. I am many that you interacted with from around the world for almost 10 years."

Self reminds, "And most important... you ....are....here."

Self, "How will I reach you if you leave?" 

Promises, "I won't leave."

You tell the same words in so many ways. You give your word. You assure. 

But, how quickly you vanish into thin air! I'm filled with toxic emotions. Some of the most cherished, I have them no more. You stole them. 

Memories that brought me joy. Memories that gave me hope. Memories that let me breathe. 

All of these precious pictures and experiences can never be thought of again without being flooded with sorrow, unknown answers, regret, confusion, and pain. 

It is like they each were little polaroids that were set on fire. The flame and heat melted them. They curled up and blackness crept across them. Burning chemicals. Staining Ash. A casing of a corner without any recognizable picture. Fragmented memories are left after you burnt through them. 

What a fool I was to believe!

It was and is true: no one really saw me! acknowledges me or continues to see me. 

I should have known the sprinkles of kindness and adoration would barely make it 7 days before it stole from me. 

Time. The grains of sand. The smaller speck of quartz. 

Time passes through the narrowing glass and then falls out. Brushed up and thrown away like it was never in reality, to begin with. 

I can barely believe I let my trust be stolen. Gullible, yes, that childlike quality that believes in people. 

Gullible, so easy to convince the story I was being told. 

My soul allowed my heart to open. 

Questioning was too hard ... lies can never withstand questioning. It erases itself and runs away pretending nothing ever was said. 

The spirit was not born from above, not genuine... even if I believed the profession. 

Stolen trust hurts. 

My saliva is drying up. My mouth doesn't want to open. Never again will I be able to extend that kind of trust. I can not speak of what I spoke. It just remains an empty spot. Taken.

I have asked why and can't imagine how a person could. I could never, never, ever do what was done to me. It is not within my spirit and soul to extend a hand, to reach out with love and hope, and then to ghost.

I have heard it called ghosting. Never imagined I would experience it. "Ghosting" is too kind. It sounds innocent like a child covered in a white sheet "oohing" around a room.

Ghosting does carry the weight of the damage done to the one ghosted.  

Questions just keep bobbling in my mind: why? How? WHAT? Never to know the answers. Never to understand, or get an explanation.

One day I will know and see clearly all that is hidden. One day in eternity.

I am just still processing and trying to accept. I have changed. I will never be the same again. Is it some wisdom I have acquired or am I just tired of being disappointed by people?

I hear the words of an old song, "When you are weary, feeling small. When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all. I am on your side. Oh, when times get rough, and friends just can't be found."

Yes, it is true, as I said, "Jesus is my ONLY bridge over troubled waters." Jesus already laid himself down for me. 

He alone will never hurt me or disappoint me. What a blessing it is to know him.

The Book says that He is more than enough to fill all spaces I need to be filled.

Wash over me, God. Fill me to overflowing, Holy Spirit. 

Walk with me, Jesus, and thank you for your living water that will never run dry. 

In hope, "I hear the words of the old song again:

Sail on, silver girl. Sail on by. Your time has come. All your dreams are on their way. See how they shine. 

Oh, if you need a friend, I'm sailing right behind." 

He is like a bridge over troubled waters. He, alone, will ease my mind.