Dissociation -Disintegrated Sense of Self

Behind the face you see is a world that is hidden. No one knew it was there for a long time, not even the person herself. She had to wait until she was emotional, physically, and mentally safe to allow the door to be open. She did not even know all that was inside. She was not sure she wanted know or to open the door, because she didn't believe that all that was contained inside would ever get back in. She felt she would be left broken, non-functioning, useless. At least if the door stayed shut she could cope...but she also couldn't feel. Her feelings were locked up behind the door...the whole spectrum of anything that was possible for a person to feel...she was afraid. Would the door ever shut again once it was cracked open? Would she be able to deal with what was inside? How much pain was there? It was all unknown.

Each person who has experienced trauma will have their unique cycle of child abuse. When did it start? How much damage occurred? How will healing come? Undeniably, a person who has experienced child abuse much start somewhere - where ever they presently are - to begin stopping the cycle. The first step is to face reality.

It is the door to the secret garden of her psyche. She needed to learn to feel but she needed to be safe, stable and able to function as a wife, mom and friend. Could she take the chance? Was it possible to heal? Could she ever trust someone to help her open the door?

This is what she began to learn was behind her secret door.....

I want to explain in educated, theory-type way...what will be shared...she was a victim of child abuse and her sense of self had disintegrated through her childhood...she had a dissociative personality disorder and suffered from post traumatic stress syndrome.

Dissociation is a process linked to

1. lapses of attention (detached/distracted/not there),
2. history of abuse or trauma,
3. compromised emotional memory(often remembers facts without feelings), and
   
4. a disintegrated sense of self (slips into childlike thinking/actions, doesn't respond appropriately or act her age, presses issues in a compulsive way as unable to let it go) .
   

Research psychologist have theorized that dissociation stems from avoiding emotional information, especially negative emotion, to protect a fragile psyche. (as defined in APA journal article Vol 8(5), Oct 2008, 653-661) Adult Survivors of Child Abuse can develop Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), especially if they lived in life-threatening homes.

Post-traumatic stress disorder that affects soldiers after war is widely accepted as a common result of being exposed to war zones. Millions of dollars of research is being funded to find a method of healing PTSD for the Department of Defense. Much of this research was a result of identifying this problem in Vietnam War Veterans. Today the Department of Defense is funding research to prevent and heal PTSD.

But anyone who has suffered through a terrifying ordeal where life is at stake can have PTSD. The key similarity is both lived through life threatening situations. Child Abuse survivors can be even more susceptible to PTSD because they were simply very young children with little or no coping skills or resources for help. Another factor that pushes the abused child's psyche into splitting (dissociating) is that the very person that was suppose to protect and love him/her was the perpetrator of intense violence and harm.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health in the US, people with PTSD have persistent frightening thoughts and memories of their ordeal and feel emotionally numb, especially with people who were with them during the ordeal or in the same time of their life when the ordeal occurred.
The following is an example of a Child Abuse Dissociative Case. Each identity or person identified is a unique disintegrated sense of self. Most, if not all, were solidified in an extremely life-threatening or highly traumatic abuse situation. The child developed a separate self to contain the emotions and frequently the memory of the event to protect the fragile psyche. DID is an extreme example of an innate ability to preserve one's very life. Since the child was not removed from the abusive home, the psyche had to develop a survival pattern/mechanism to enable him/her to continue living under such abuse, fear and unpredictability.
This is a look inside the hidden door:
Baby - about 2- witnessed mother physically, emotionally, verbally abused to
the point that mother was injured and taken into surgery. Child had to
stand next to mother's hospital bed saying goodbye being told she may not live
through surgery. Untrusting, Angry, screaming, kicking, fighting to keep people away. Dark curly hair, porcelain face, blue simple but frilly dress, hard bottom shoes with shiny black patten leather. healthy, slightly plump appearance.
Lulu - 3 - very fearful, needs comfort object or stuffed toy to hold, timid, had toys taken away and destroyed while she watched, abuser was enjoying the terror, crying, hurting reaction so he continued with more destruction, and verbal/emotional abuse. wearing cotton night dress, long sleeves with past knee length, faded character on nightgown, old, worn, thinning. wearing socks, very thin, and frail

Frozen/numb - (no name identified yet) - about 10, 4-5th grade, stiff, scared to move, wants to disappear, terrified with noises and sense that someone is coming into bedroom at night. too afraid to look. sensing evil lurking about. terrified at night. sees shadows of people figure moving slowly. afraid someone is going to hurt her, take her, kill her, choose her. Learned to take physical, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse and does not feel touch, or allow words to enter psyche. Aware of being active when protecting, verbally communicates to abused child to let her know that she will not be touched/hurt. flat emotion. can endure intense abusive high level pain.
Runner/Flight Response - 12 yr old, in control, confident, reactive to injustice, pain, being treated unfairly/poorly, quickly engages and takes over, acts to "take toys and go home", pulls out of relationship, situation, activity in an instant, decisive, wants to leave quickly to protect from further hurt, only can come out in situations without prime abuser, never has surfaces with abuser, terrified of abuser, abuser makes her tremble, hides deep away because of feeling so vulnerable if abuser is around.
Susie - 8th-9th grade, 13, Very Strong Personality, Speaker for child, Reporter of facts taken place, Protector, Can control violent/hater self from acting, always joins (surfaces) with violent/hater, Adult-type, Responsible, Able to function at high levels with appropriate behavior. Red gingham cotton button down front simple 50's style shirt, very plain, neat appearance. Tight curled dark brown hair, fair skin.
Fred - only boy - in early 1900's attire, wearing light cotton shirt, priest like collar, striped beige and cream, buttoned, also wearing beige/tan linen weave pants slight puff coming to a cuff under knee, cream tights/long socks, black leather shoes, brown curly hair, arm are tense, contracting muscles, violently angry, wants to protect, wants to kill abuser, vengeful, hates, blind anger...always surfaces with Susie and when safe to come out. Never surfaces with abuser, believes he is not strong enough to hurt abuser, abuser feels towering large in comparison to his size, feels abuser would just swat him away. Frustrated he can't prevent abuse.

Jitters/Jumpy - 14/15 Sophomore, seen brothers hung, knows sister is current incest victim, tries to keep sister from being alone with abuser, witnessed attempted murder, endures abuser psychological/emotional abuse of putting finger gun up to head saying, "bang", fearful, wants abuser to be dead, hyper-vigilant, always listening, watching...trying to anticipate abusers actions, never can rest, on guard duty, worried, concerned about others safety, tries to be brave but does not engage, jumps/jitters at noises, movement, comes unglued hearing or seeing rhythmic motion or sounds- causes her to come to high alert, then quickly meltdown. Freaks out, yells, "stop", not in control of emotions, raw emotions, like a live nerve aways open, very easy to trigger/set off
Dreamer - 15/16 - high schooler, escape personality, poetry writer, able to fly, daydreamer, stares out windows, can be present but not there /able to float above body (derealization/ depersonalization), very light airy shirt, dress, 70's style, white/pastel butterfly like in feel, faded, comfortable, well-worn good fit blue jeans, very comfortable, almost like tripping on drug, carefree, truly a dreamer, long full breezy hair, doesn't seem to be touching ground, hopeful, able to dream, feels no pain. feels peace, love....as she imagines it.
Howler/Screamer - 19-20, feels all pain, cries out in deep howling pain, can't stop the emotional pain without causing physical pain to herself, hits body until pain stops, puts head under water, hold breath....tries to make body have more pain then emotions so she can stop screaming, wearing long flannel nightgown, long dark hair, pasty face, drawn, sickly-looking, knows no emotion but feels deep piercing pain. Surfaces when person is tripped into childhood abuse memories by everyday occurrences/situations. Comes out when alone, with children, husband, or people who know her person well. Surfaces too when feels like a failure, can't do anything right, or that she has hurt others who are innocent. Surfaces if she sees innocent person or animal hurt.
Obsessor/Pusher - obsessive, can not let go, repetitive, pushes to get others to agree or admit or validate what she feels or believes, does not listen to any comments but waiting for what she needs to hear said, unreasonable, irrational, pushy, presses others hard to get to the truth, obsessed to be a truth finder and to get others to accept "truth", broken record, does not see situations from any point of view but hers, desperately trying to get others to validate what she feels or sees as what really "happen", wants others to admit their guilt, wants others to take responsibility for offending her, does not see that she is pushy/obsessive, domineering, overbearing, forceful, very verbal, sure of self, experiencing rejection or perceived mistreatment, never rests.
Condemning/Abusive verbally - Condemning voice of adult mother-type, never has anything good to say, rips apart self, attacks self when she is down, feeling vulnerable, wrong, like a failure, tells her that she is worthless, a good-for-nothing, deserves to be hurt, never going to do anything right, serves her right, can't ever do anything right, beats her self up in any way possible with ugly, hurtful words.

While these are not all the disintegrated selves....these are the ones that have made themselves known to be seen and identified. Each needs to be acknowledged and validated. Each needs to be taken care of, having needs met. Each needs to come together in safe room knowing all are equally valuable and important because each has helped the child survive traumatic abuse. Each needs to come to terms with being willing to be a part of a whole and to work as a team. Each needs to be brought up to present time/reality.

Each helped child survive in a special time. Now it is time to help each self. The door is safe...it has a hinge that can open and close at the proper time. It is good that she had a door.

Trauma Therapist are using a wide variety of methods to help clients. Great success has been found in therapies related to EMDR. Brainspotting, a biolateral therapy, is fluid in that it is changing and shaping into a fine tuned therapy one patient at a time. A person who suffered terrifying ordeals needs client-led therapy. This can be un-nerving to a therapist that is use to directing therapy, and knowing ahead of time what the next session may cover. Brainspotting, developed by Dr. David Grand, allows the patient to move through each therapy session determined by the need of his/her psyche as they entered the therapist door.