Can Death Of Abuser Be Healing?

Can Death Bring Healing?

Her face tells it all. Thinking about her abuser causes passionate anger to boil within. Her body tenses when "good people" tell her she needs to forgive. She will often deny the raw feelings in her heart, knowing it is not socially acceptable to wish someone is dead. Denial is one coping method she uses to help her function "normal" but it will also keep her imprisoned in her wounded heart. 

"I wish he was dead. I hate him," echoes through her mind as guilt suppresses her thoughts. While it is not rare for a victim to wish her abuser harm or death, it is not always a first, or even a conscious thought. It can hide deep within. A child who has been abused by a parent or close relative has a difficult time dealing with a fact that someone who should have protected them has caused them so much pain. She feels unsafe, betrayed, and unlovable.

When a victim is safely away from her abuser, she can start dealing with the horrible events in her life. Forgiveness will not fully emerge until the brutal honesty and the consequences of the pain and abuse is allowed to surface. It is common during this process to uncover feelings of hatred toward the abuser. She may feel she can only be safe in the world if her abuser is dead, thereby making certain she will no longer be hurt.

On an emotional level, it may seem she can only release the suffering when she knows it is over. Therefore, if the abuser dies, the final words in a traumatic chapter can be written, THE END! Even as the book slams shut on this painful story, she may experience guilt for wishing death on someone.

Do you recall the scene in The Wizard of OZ when all the village people celebrated that the wicked witch was dead? This is the sense of joy or relief a victim of abuse can feel when their abuser dies. No more hurt, no more tragedy, no more fear that they will try to come back into your life. Death is final. Can you relate to this scene?

Unfortunately the death of the abuser does not stop the consequences of their sinful actions. The trauma has already taken place, and it will not just go away if it is ignored or buried deep inside. Like a infected wound, the tissue will not heal until the source of the infection is addressed. Grief will be very different for a victim of abuse, but a very important part of healing the source of pain.

My abusers are still alive. They even pretend the abuse never happen or was very insignificant, if anything at all. I don't know first hand how my siblings and I will react until the death of our abuser happens. I can guess that some will get drunk. We will probably have a wide range of emotions such as sorrow, delight, revenge, disappointment, relief, and regret.

I wouldn't be surprised if someone would want to slap the corpse to punish an abuser who never confessed, admitted, or seemingly paid for all the violence. A victims desired response to an abusive person may not sound like the thoughts of a good Christian. While we must all learn to take every thought captive to Christ Jesus, we must also understand no one can walk the path of any other soul on this earth, even siblings, and therefore remember we are not anybody's god.

We must all resist the desire judge a person who has suffered abuse. God is the Lawgiver and the Judge. He is the only One that saw it all. He is the only One with permission to personally guide the wounded soul through healing. What may be shocking to one person, may be the exact thing another must do to break free of the demonic web of lies. The only perfect way to handle any situation is to surrender it to God. We are obedient to Him, not others, so we need allow ourselves to be free enough to be gut-wrenchingly honest.

Being honest about how you feel is not always a pretty picture. An abused person has many horrible, twisted emotions and thoughts that need to be released. While one person may be able to proceed through healing in the quiet of their heart, another may need to verbally or physically rage in a way that doesn't bring harm to herself or others. We must give each person the respect and space to heal, and to deal with the death of their abuser.

Shame often follows any thought or action that is not acceptable. "I shouldn't say that. I shouldn't do that. I must be a bad person. I must be damaged or wicked or crazy." No, no, no! You must be real. . .allow yourself to expose the good, the bad, and the ugly. Pushing the ugly thoughts and feelings under your bed will not make them go away. They will always be there until you remove them. 

Is it wrong to long to be the one to drive a nail into the casket - to be certain with each swing that this person who causes so much horror will not come back to life? Absolutely not! The most important thing you can do is to be honest with God. He already knows. He will not be surprised by what you say or do.

He alone will guide you out of the catacomb of the "hell on earth" you lived through. He can bring you to healing and peace because no one knows you better them He does. We must all learn to trust God. He is big enough to handle true feelings, and guide the wounded soul through grief.