Sex For Survivors of Abuse and Trauma

Intimacy by thisismeunexpected on DeviantART

Let's face it - most couples regardless of whether one has come from a background of abuse and trauma struggle with their sex life. Therefore, it should be no surprise that an individual who has been exposed to sexual trauma, or any other kind of abuse for that matter, would have difficulties in their sex life.

Now, something that I learned from my OBGYN doctor is that most woman enjoy sex much more before they are married than after. Many who having sex outside of marriage have no problem being excited and engaged, but it is when married and in the safety of a relationship of commitment that sexual trauma comes to the surface. Often this can be because sex before marriage is viewed as something you are not "suppose to do" therefore a person can become more excited about it. Another reason is because a lot of issues do not rise to the top until a person is in a safe, loving place. Otherwise, often trauma associated with abuse is suppressed, a person disassociates from it, until they feel safe to deal with it.

But many people struggle with sex period. And this is no mystery. Sex is built up to be something so outstanding and movies always show it with such firework passion that people often feel less than adequate when fireworks are being set off in their bedroom. They think maybe they are doing something wrong. Unreal expectations are displayed on film that frankly are given to audiences as soft-porn or porn and they don't even come close in comparing to reality.

Now, I am not saying that sex is not something that can be fabulously enjoyed between a husband and wife; it can, but for most couples a lot of communication must take place for two to mutually be satisfied in their sex life. And this is so much more so for couples when one or both have been sexually traumatized previously.

So, where should a person start that is a survivor of abuse and trauma when it comes to sex?

Every person needs to know that they are loved and accepted as an individual at a soul level before they can bare themselves physically and be totally abandoned in enjoying sex.

Many times a person has to work through the trauma of sexual abuse before they can have a successful and happy sex life. When a person is in counseling, they might need to abstain from sex in order to heal. Their mate needs to respect this time so that they can one day have their mate wholly able to enjoy sex. I am not saying this is easy but it is loving.

Communication and respect is key. A person needs to be able to tell how they feel, what they need/want, what they don't like, what they don't want to do and whether or not they desire to have sex at that moment or day. No one should ever feel forced to perform because frankly unless a person is able to willingly give themselves they are being raped. Spouses need to love each other enough to share, to be vulnerable, to be honest and to know they will be listened to and respected.

If you have questions or input, feel free to comment or ask. I will be writing more on this topic but I wanted to start the discussion.

Here is a poem written from the perspective of someone who has been through trauma regarding sex: Sexuality in Marriage Poem

Love,

Lindy