How Do I Live After Trauma Therapy?
This blog was started by my during my Trauma Therapy. The intense EMDR, Brainspotting and most of the hard work with triggers is finished. I left therapy having to learn how to pick up where my life in so many ways stopped. Little things like keeping up with laundry, vacuuming and gradually going through clutter became a higher priority. The amount of work needing to be done in my house was immense, but I had to learn to take each day as it came and to do what I could without getting in a tailspin. I am learning that it will probably take years to become "organized" and I am OK with this.
I also have my teenage children still at home and they need me so much (and then in so many ways they don't want to need me at all). Do you understand my sense of lost time? I accept it, but know that I was not fully there for my children, and yet still I did do that best I could "in the moment," each moment. Learning to be present and interact with my teens has been a huge challenge in my life. Giving them the time and focus, loving them deeply, and communicating clearly is a priority that I embraced but also often fell short of fulfilling. In the beginning months of not going to therapy I stress with my children that I knew I had changed and I wanted a chance to continue to build better relationships. I am sure this was awkward for them, but it was important for me to express it and to recognize I was starting on a new leg of my journey with my family.
And then there was church, I wanted to be seen as new as I felt. I wanted a clear slate. Telling people that my trauma therapy was over, I thought people would understand how important it was for me to reintegrate into being a functioning part of the body, but I sensed that I had been discarded long ago and that nothing was going to change. I was not needed or wanted -- I was damaged goods. Of course, probably no one ever said that to themselves or another. It was just in my head, a felt sense. The pain was too cutting; I chose to stay home and not endure the suffering. We watched Charles Stanley on TV most Sunday mornings. Eventually we began to venture out and look for a church. This was a long, but good journey. As I have seen many times before, my area in TN has MANY wonderful congregations and varieties of churches. The trick was finding one that everyone felt was the one we needed since we are all in different places in our walk.
And with my freed up time, I consumed as many books as I could; my mind was uncluttered and I could learn rapidly. I tried to experience new things and to grow and expand my abilities that had been thwarted -- it felt like my whole life.
It seemed like time had arrived for me to become who God created to be and to do what He created me to do. So I did and ran and tried and explored. I dipped my toes in waters that I had only dreamed about trying. My life felt short; I knew I would never live long enough to redeem the years the locus had stolen. A sadness settled in and a reality of my age enlarged within my soul. Everything looked appealing--like a little child in an ice cream store--I wanted to try all the flavors instead of settling on one.
After eighteen months of living life after therapy, a crashing thought came over me.... I didn't know who I was or what I was suppose to do.
I wanted my life to make a difference, a grandiose mark. In the process of exploring, I had lost my anchor in God. He still was my source, but I was trying to blossom apart from Him. I had lost the ability to BE STILL and KNOW THAT HE IS GOD. I was living "do" and know that He is God. What I "do" is not who I am... is slowly dawning on my soul. I need to practice living in a state of "being". I need to BE STILL in the presence of GOD.
Oh, Father God, tutor me in how to "be".
I have been running about busy,
But I am beginning to see,
Without soaking time with You,
I will never "be"
The priceless person
I was "created to be".
So this is where I was in life, this was part of the struggling of re-entering into life beyond trauma therapy. I am certain everyone's experience is unique, as we are all unique beings. The take away that is similar to everyone is: be kind to yourself and others, knowing that being rooted into God, abiding in Him is the central core of healing. It is the source and center during therapy and thereafter. This I am learning... though I thought I already knew it. God is lovingly reminding me... to rest in Him.
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| Learning to Start Life Again ("you still remember me" by nailass at deviantart) |
I also have my teenage children still at home and they need me so much (and then in so many ways they don't want to need me at all). Do you understand my sense of lost time? I accept it, but know that I was not fully there for my children, and yet still I did do that best I could "in the moment," each moment. Learning to be present and interact with my teens has been a huge challenge in my life. Giving them the time and focus, loving them deeply, and communicating clearly is a priority that I embraced but also often fell short of fulfilling. In the beginning months of not going to therapy I stress with my children that I knew I had changed and I wanted a chance to continue to build better relationships. I am sure this was awkward for them, but it was important for me to express it and to recognize I was starting on a new leg of my journey with my family.
And then there was church, I wanted to be seen as new as I felt. I wanted a clear slate. Telling people that my trauma therapy was over, I thought people would understand how important it was for me to reintegrate into being a functioning part of the body, but I sensed that I had been discarded long ago and that nothing was going to change. I was not needed or wanted -- I was damaged goods. Of course, probably no one ever said that to themselves or another. It was just in my head, a felt sense. The pain was too cutting; I chose to stay home and not endure the suffering. We watched Charles Stanley on TV most Sunday mornings. Eventually we began to venture out and look for a church. This was a long, but good journey. As I have seen many times before, my area in TN has MANY wonderful congregations and varieties of churches. The trick was finding one that everyone felt was the one we needed since we are all in different places in our walk.
And with my freed up time, I consumed as many books as I could; my mind was uncluttered and I could learn rapidly. I tried to experience new things and to grow and expand my abilities that had been thwarted -- it felt like my whole life.
It seemed like time had arrived for me to become who God created to be and to do what He created me to do. So I did and ran and tried and explored. I dipped my toes in waters that I had only dreamed about trying. My life felt short; I knew I would never live long enough to redeem the years the locus had stolen. A sadness settled in and a reality of my age enlarged within my soul. Everything looked appealing--like a little child in an ice cream store--I wanted to try all the flavors instead of settling on one.
After eighteen months of living life after therapy, a crashing thought came over me.... I didn't know who I was or what I was suppose to do.
I wanted my life to make a difference, a grandiose mark. In the process of exploring, I had lost my anchor in God. He still was my source, but I was trying to blossom apart from Him. I had lost the ability to BE STILL and KNOW THAT HE IS GOD. I was living "do" and know that He is God. What I "do" is not who I am... is slowly dawning on my soul. I need to practice living in a state of "being". I need to BE STILL in the presence of GOD.
Oh, Father God, tutor me in how to "be".
I have been running about busy,
But I am beginning to see,
Without soaking time with You,
I will never "be"
The priceless person
I was "created to be".
 |
| Learning to BE, and not do (still day by sternenfern on Deviantart) |
So this is where I was in life, this was part of the struggling of re-entering into life beyond trauma therapy. I am certain everyone's experience is unique, as we are all unique beings. The take away that is similar to everyone is: be kind to yourself and others, knowing that being rooted into God, abiding in Him is the central core of healing. It is the source and center during therapy and thereafter. This I am learning... though I thought I already knew it. God is lovingly reminding me... to rest in Him.
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