First Christmas After the Death of My Abuser
While we had many similar experiences, being born of the same parents, living in the same home, and enduring hellacious torture during our developmental years and thereafter, we each have distinct memories, and point-of-views not only of the actual experiences, but of our life responses in dealing with them.
And to be exact,
no two or more people will ever experience, and, therefore, recall or respond to seemingly simultaneous situations the same, because we are individuals--not “identicals”.
For me, I feel a universal release of some overall dread that is set loose.
A hovering abhor is gone.
An overshadowing dread,
or shall I say a despair of what was not,
or what should have been,
maybe even could-have-beens...
is no more.
And I am left with the blank slate of “what-is-is” at this precise moment.
To experience the present without the overcast of the past, or a lurking duty left undone, no longer expected, no longer disappointing another. My mother is also dead, the first to die of my parents this year, so she won’t have to sit, hoping that finally, this year after so many years I had not, that this year I would call to wish her and him a happy day--which I did not want to do. Therefore, as I aged I made the decision to do as I wished instead of as was expected, or earlier required. I gave myself the gift of the freedom to choice to do as I desired, to make choices for my own health, for my own good, instead doing a duty of out of dread to please others.
And so, this Christmas morning,
I have had a lovely time with my husband and adult children (all are now over 19). Not perfect because perfection is never the aim (nor possible), but loving, pleasant and simple.
Just enough.
Not overflowing or skimpy,
but satisfying company and gifts, food and drinks, laughter and talk --- family time -- together time, naturally.
As it should be. Thank God.
On my way to Advent Service last night for Christmas Eve,
I briefly reflected on the calm within my soul, noting a difference, that occurred without intentional work or purposed desire on my part. A change in life that simply was -- a state of being -- in a new place in the life journey that I am allowed by divine providential will to partake. My life is a life I would have never taken by my own choice upon entering the womb of my mother knowing that I would endure torture and all possible kinds of abuse. If I had known I maybe would have pinched off the umbilical cord or twisted it into a knot that I might escape life on earth and be onward directly to heaven.
But alas, this is not a choice any of us gets to make. It is providentially allowed and purposed by God. And for many that is hard to swallow because He is all-knowing. He allowed Jesus to come to earth to suffer and die that we might be reconciled to Him; and He, less painfully, allows us to come to earth and suffer fates for purposes redeemable for His glory and our maturity by His grace. (It takes a while for those words to make sense; lots of Biblical learning packed into one paragraph, and now is not the time to explain.)
With all the talk of those who complain about their position or condition (sex, race, or stature) in life, and then, they pretend that it would even be possible to make it equitable by some granted access or financial windfall. No social justice -- no amount of intervention -- can ever make two human life experiences fair or somehow equal. It is an impossibility. And regardless, even as in my own birth-home, 8 children have all grown up making the most out of what they began with and end up living to be best of their ability with the results of their choices.
Thankfully,
for us at least,
we still have time to improve,
to make positive changes,
to continue to become the best individually that we can be.
And that is my desire this year -- to be more positive, and as always, to continue to grow.
Last night,
I heard God speak to me during the Advent Service. He often gives me a “word” for the year -- a theme. It is usually something I need to work on. One year it was rest, another it was hope. This year I clearly heard it was joy. I am troubled by this word. I know peace--a state of being reconciled to God, a clarity of mind, knowing my standing in his eyes today and for eternity -- that is my peace. I embrace hope; again, it is wrapped up in Him. He is my hope--the answer to all my doubts and insecurities and the answer for my needs. And without a doubt I know I am loved, by Him and others.
But He has shown me that often joy escapes me.
Yes, I love to laugh and joke. I love to make people happy and to surprise them with unexpected gifts and kindness. But to experience fulfilling deep JOY, for the most part, the sense of knowing JOY is weighed down by sadness, loss and pain of all I have known in life.
Therefore, I accept my word for this year, and thank God for desiring me to understand fully, His JOY!
(Photo Credits: in order: Beauty of Winter by nniKOO, The Big Snowflake by nniKOO, Call me one more time by bigboy denis, a nice advent by dragonfiretoo, These Words by blackmamba, all on deviantart. com)
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