Raising Your Own Children AFTER being Child Abuse Survivor

This Victory Does not feel Good! 

I have been trying to teach Bible to my children... I have been trying to teach everything to my children... who are now teens... does that fact alone end the mystery of my problem... well, here it goes...

It has never been easy. I did not have a good model... coming from abuse... domestic violence... that was more like torture... so I don't do the things I want to do, but I am growing as a parent.

Being inconsistent has been one of my greatest problems and losing my resolved because I respond in  negative ways... I get ticked off... I get upset when my children disobey over and over. Staying calm when my children are arguing, twisting words, having their own private recall of events...

How can it be?

How can it be that a mother who loves the Lord, who only wants to love her children, who wants to raise them up to know and love God, and who wants them to become who God wants them to be.

So one argues, another gives an "i don't care" look, another says as little as possible. They all pretend they can't do the Bible Study. What ever I ask them to do, they do not:

• record the cross-reference by this verse,
• underline the verse and write the word 'church' in the margin
• look at a verse and tell me how it compares or contrast
• and the list goes on.......

My children don't respond to me. They sit still, they ignore, doing what is right in their own eyes. They are apathetic, being too busy with the things they want to do in life. And entangled in their own activities, they fill their day with pleasure pursuits.

So I send them to their room, "GO! GO to your room... spend at least 30 minutes... on your own studying the Bible or in prayer..."  A short time later one teen comes down and says, "I am sorry." But is it just words?

What are you sorry about? "About not wanting to do the Bible Study."

So, what are you going to do? "..... "

After several tries, I assume my child is just trying to make things right so he can go with his friends in the afternoon. He had plans. Now his plans are in jeopardy. I have not stood fast before. I always cave in. I always let them do what they planned. But today, I decide it is going to be different.

It is painful for me. I ask Lord help me, to Stand Firm, to Stand Fast, to give my teens the consequences they need in order to learn, to repent, and to align themselves with God.

I love my children... I always feared what would happen... was I being a good mom. My child would tell me I was immature, not a good parent, didn't know what I was doing... and I would crumble.... I don't have to listen to those lies any more. 

I didn't want to hurt my child. I wanted them to have friends. I wanted them to have fun. I hate disappointing them. God is giving me the strength to stand by my words. "If you don't obey me, you are going nowhere today." 

I close my ears to all the comments thrown my way. I focus on the Lord and the music on my playlist helps. It helps me be lifted up to Him and not to let angry darts of words strike my tender heart. So here I am Lord, I am reaching out to Jesus... with tears in my eyes... 

Grace, forgiveness, mercy and healing..... there is time for all of these. And my time to be standing strong, being a steady, firm parent. I guess today is my day for this... it doesn't feel like a gloating victory, but it is a sad, maturing learning to be strong.

Do you know such parenting pain?