Noise, Nerves, Never

Little children, happy children, make noise.

Noise is the beginning of communication, language, relationship and should be so appreciated and cherished.

But noise can unsettle nerves when a survivor of abuse and trauma is not used to what is normal... children playing, children laughing, children exploring, children being.

What to one is sweet, to another is rattling. And the mere fact of knowing it should not be, causing the threads of stability to unwind ever swifter.

Knowing... but not able. Wanting... but not there yet. Trying... but not ready.

Still, as a survivor of abuse or trauma, a parent must continue moving toward what they know is healthy. It is a struggle to not loose hope when little things like children's noise can rattle you, bouncing your insides around till you think you might literally crack.

In my experience, no matter how many times I failed to respond that way I wanted, it was the mercy and hope of faith in God - knowing He was not done with me yet - knowing I was on His healing plan - knowing there is never an end to His "one more time" grace.

Amazing! No matter if you fail hundreds of times to be who you want to be, forgive yourself, accept God's grace, and in faithful obedience never give up!

Life is not about who started out the best, who had the most, who failed the least. Life is not judged by the beginning - the first step, the first word, the first stroke of paint upon a canvas. No, life is all the days, and moments, and lasting endurance because you keep on pressing toward God.

Thank God! It is not up to me to complete me, to heal me, to fix me, to finish me. Scripture says of God, "He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it." I am a work of God!

So the noisy boys actively busy and 'in their own world' creating the sound necessary, appropriate for children's playtime in the waiting room of the doctor's office today reminded me of my own young children... and how they, just being children, made me come unglued.... and I pause, remembering, and thanking God that He gives me insight where I had none, and is redeeming all the sad, inappropriate days we had.

I can't make the past go away, but I can be changed by it... pressed by it... tried by it... in the Master's hands continually being molded into who He desires me to be.

I am in good hands!