Healing of A Mother's Heart
I had a son.
He was my firstborn.
I was ill-prepared to love this son of mine that God placed into my tender care.
I was weak, giving birth, I was emotionally and mentally transformed..... distant, wilting, drifting... never quite present.
I had a child but never had been one.
Being a child of abuse I never knew a gentle touch, a loving sight - to know that my parents joyed over me and thrilled to see me grow and explore and become who I was created by God to be.
No thoughts like this ever entered my mind. I did not know to miss them - to recognize them as unmet needs. What were the needs of a child? Textbooks and childcare labs taught me the rights and wrongs of childhood, but insight that following from being nurtured firsthand as a child and filled by those who love, even adore you - I had nothing to recall.
Nothing poured forth, but mere questions and doubt - What had happen? What must I do? What have we done? How can I?
I have a child! Overcome with fear, I gasped that I was not ready. I was at a total loss of what to do. I never imagined I would be so overcome with sorrow, even regret.
And crushingly I knew my child--this baby boy- needed me--he needed me for everything. I was his source. I proceeded into my role as a mother more as a robot operating the duties of motherhood. A data bank of information had been absorbed and was being sorted out and replayed upon demand. Feed, change diaper, rock, put to sleep, check diaper, quiet, feed, rock, hold, check diaper, walk, set down, let sleep, pick up, check diaper, feed, hold, set down....
He cried, I responded. He wet, I responded. He tired, I responded. He woke, I responded. He hungered, I responded. I assessed... determined the need and fulfilled the task to be done as best as I could figure from that data bank of mine.
My heart was far away... I was doing but not being. I was in the room but not present.
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He is crossing the doorway into manhood.
He is in his last two weeks of basic training for the ARMY. He is fulfilling a long sought dream; doing what he always wanted to do. I am pleased for him.
When he left I loved him dearly-I knew I did ... but the feelings of love were worn, frayed, stretched.... I loved him more with my head than with my heart. I guarded my feelings to not be crushed 100 times over, again and again. I do not blame him. He is his mother's son.
But soon when I see him, he will be his own man - hopefully God's man. My heart flutters with hope.
The past two months has given time for my heart to heal, for the raw wounds to mend, for me to emotionally be more whole - having and not needing, able to give and not needing to get. When he hugs me he will not feel an energy drain, a sorrow, a disappointment, a critical review. From this place of being at rest and having grown a few healthy layers I wont be so thin-skinned, so vulnerable, so able to recoil.
I thank you God for very gift, for everything You give is good. I welcome Your goodness in my daily life and of-course in the life of my son!
He was my firstborn.
I was ill-prepared to love this son of mine that God placed into my tender care.
I was weak, giving birth, I was emotionally and mentally transformed..... distant, wilting, drifting... never quite present.
I had a child but never had been one.
To look at life through the eyes of a child-
I had never done, nor could I conceive how. That experience, the instinct, 'the knowing' was void.Being a child of abuse I never knew a gentle touch, a loving sight - to know that my parents joyed over me and thrilled to see me grow and explore and become who I was created by God to be.
No thoughts like this ever entered my mind. I did not know to miss them - to recognize them as unmet needs. What were the needs of a child? Textbooks and childcare labs taught me the rights and wrongs of childhood, but insight that following from being nurtured firsthand as a child and filled by those who love, even adore you - I had nothing to recall.
Nothing poured forth, but mere questions and doubt - What had happen? What must I do? What have we done? How can I?
I have a child! Overcome with fear, I gasped that I was not ready. I was at a total loss of what to do. I never imagined I would be so overcome with sorrow, even regret.
And crushingly I knew my child--this baby boy- needed me--he needed me for everything. I was his source. I proceeded into my role as a mother more as a robot operating the duties of motherhood. A data bank of information had been absorbed and was being sorted out and replayed upon demand. Feed, change diaper, rock, put to sleep, check diaper, quiet, feed, rock, hold, check diaper, walk, set down, let sleep, pick up, check diaper, feed, hold, set down....
He cried, I responded. He wet, I responded. He tired, I responded. He woke, I responded. He hungered, I responded. I assessed... determined the need and fulfilled the task to be done as best as I could figure from that data bank of mine.
My heart was far away... I was doing but not being. I was in the room but not present.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Seems so long ago, nineteen years has past.
My son is all grown up.He is crossing the doorway into manhood.
He is in his last two weeks of basic training for the ARMY. He is fulfilling a long sought dream; doing what he always wanted to do. I am pleased for him.
When he left I loved him dearly-I knew I did ... but the feelings of love were worn, frayed, stretched.... I loved him more with my head than with my heart. I guarded my feelings to not be crushed 100 times over, again and again. I do not blame him. He is his mother's son.
But soon when I see him, he will be his own man - hopefully God's man. My heart flutters with hope.
The past two months has given time for my heart to heal, for the raw wounds to mend, for me to emotionally be more whole - having and not needing, able to give and not needing to get. When he hugs me he will not feel an energy drain, a sorrow, a disappointment, a critical review. From this place of being at rest and having grown a few healthy layers I wont be so thin-skinned, so vulnerable, so able to recoil.
Oh, God I pray for a new relationship.
I am not sorry for all we had, but just for the needling picks we continually experienced in each other's presence. I want to be able to give wholly and to not take. Help me to keep going deeper into the heart of love. Help me to be unconditional, supportive and sensitive to what he needs. Help me to be better able to empathize with my son, to see through his eyes... I must learn how.
I thank you God for very gift, for everything You give is good. I welcome Your goodness in my daily life and of-course in the life of my son!
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