Never Ending Dreams of PTSD and Child Development Disorder
People who have suffered severe abuse and trauma are often plagued by never ending bad dreams. I don't know why some people have them and others don't who live through the same situations.
I am fifty. I was one of 8 living children. And I had to seek trauma counseling and psychiatric medication to stop the vidid night terrors that haunted me night after night. I truly think I could have worked through a lot on my own and would have stopped thinking about the past during the day if I had not been bombarded nightly with traumatic scenarios - often new images of the same people but in different situations or a replay of the same people in what could have happen if this or if that occurred.
Daily, I often wondered why I could not simply move on and get over the past... let go, as so many well-meaning people say, but the past would not let me go.
Through therapy over the past 10 years and medication, I have have many years of normalcy at night. And while I can handle a few bad nights, these negative childhood dreams that return remind me of the horrific childhood that I lived through and make me sad that such a horrible life had to happen to a sweet little girl (that happens to be me).
++++++++++
I sang a beautiful worship song in church yesterday morning. In part of the song, we sang about how we are moving forward with Jesus and our past is left behind. I loved singing the song. I don't know if they correlate. If maybe a demon infiltrated thoughts into my dreams last night to remind me that the past is not all gone or if my mind just somehow decided to circle the past, but I had emotional childhood dreams last night and awoke crying after an exhausting night.
In the dream I was secretly working with some police who were going to try and trap my father and bring him to prison. In my childhood, I was always was afraid to work with the police or child services because I knew if one showed up at the house and didn't follow through with putting my father in prison that when my father found out that I was the one who worked with them I would literally be killed. People who hear me say this think that is an exaggeration but anyone who really lived in my childhood home or knew his capability understand this was a fact of life we lived with constantly - a fear that we would do something he deemed wrong enough that we would be killed.
In part of this dream, I pin the police officer down to the ground and pound on his chest telling him if anyone gets killed before he acts (because they were taking their dear old time coming up with a timing and plan) that the death would be on him.
++++++++++++++
Then I awake, shaken, crying... not for what I dreamed about, but for the very fact that I still dream about my childhood. And I think about my life that I have now and how happy I am and simply want to shake it off and move on into the day. I know I can.
But I wonder why I am different... why of all of my siblings have I been haunted by horrible dreams that effected my life so deeply. It is not like I had control of what I dreamed. But the very fact that I did dream about this junk is why I couldn't just let it go and move on.... it had a hold on me and did not let my mind go. And then again, I do not know why. My siblings don't talk about and share for me to know if they have such dreams. They simply move on like nothing happened. They have handled the past the best they could and I respect each for their own choice.
I do know that I am presently safe and whole and that I am deeply loved by God and my husband. Thankfully I am healed to the point that dreams like I had last night don't creep into my day and therefore they don't, in any meaningful way, effect my new day. Of course, I can't help if wonder if they make me a little different in my thoughts. I can only hope that I will use it for good and be more sensitive to others who have suffered.
I thank God for His saving grace and the fact that HIS mercies are new every morning. I plan today to move forward with God and leave the past behind. I am going to live in the freshness and goodness that this day brings. I thank God for how far He has taken me and for the enormous healing I have experienced.
Dear one reading this, if you have been tormented by dreams of the past, there is help. A skilled trauma therapist can work with you to reduce the intensity and frequency of such dreams. I also found certain medication kept these traumatic memories from entering my dreams. Don't compare yourself and your experience to others. We are each unique in our make up, and that includes the way our brain handles trauma. Allow yourself to simply seek out what you need to be whole. Also know there is a spiritual realm that must be dealt with in order for you to be completely set free.
I have found peace and great joy in living. I know you can also.
love, Lindy
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| dreams by dante-mk on deviantART |
I am fifty. I was one of 8 living children. And I had to seek trauma counseling and psychiatric medication to stop the vidid night terrors that haunted me night after night. I truly think I could have worked through a lot on my own and would have stopped thinking about the past during the day if I had not been bombarded nightly with traumatic scenarios - often new images of the same people but in different situations or a replay of the same people in what could have happen if this or if that occurred.
Daily, I often wondered why I could not simply move on and get over the past... let go, as so many well-meaning people say, but the past would not let me go.
Through therapy over the past 10 years and medication, I have have many years of normalcy at night. And while I can handle a few bad nights, these negative childhood dreams that return remind me of the horrific childhood that I lived through and make me sad that such a horrible life had to happen to a sweet little girl (that happens to be me).
++++++++++
I sang a beautiful worship song in church yesterday morning. In part of the song, we sang about how we are moving forward with Jesus and our past is left behind. I loved singing the song. I don't know if they correlate. If maybe a demon infiltrated thoughts into my dreams last night to remind me that the past is not all gone or if my mind just somehow decided to circle the past, but I had emotional childhood dreams last night and awoke crying after an exhausting night.
In the dream I was secretly working with some police who were going to try and trap my father and bring him to prison. In my childhood, I was always was afraid to work with the police or child services because I knew if one showed up at the house and didn't follow through with putting my father in prison that when my father found out that I was the one who worked with them I would literally be killed. People who hear me say this think that is an exaggeration but anyone who really lived in my childhood home or knew his capability understand this was a fact of life we lived with constantly - a fear that we would do something he deemed wrong enough that we would be killed.
In part of this dream, I pin the police officer down to the ground and pound on his chest telling him if anyone gets killed before he acts (because they were taking their dear old time coming up with a timing and plan) that the death would be on him.
++++++++++++++
Then I awake, shaken, crying... not for what I dreamed about, but for the very fact that I still dream about my childhood. And I think about my life that I have now and how happy I am and simply want to shake it off and move on into the day. I know I can.
But I wonder why I am different... why of all of my siblings have I been haunted by horrible dreams that effected my life so deeply. It is not like I had control of what I dreamed. But the very fact that I did dream about this junk is why I couldn't just let it go and move on.... it had a hold on me and did not let my mind go. And then again, I do not know why. My siblings don't talk about and share for me to know if they have such dreams. They simply move on like nothing happened. They have handled the past the best they could and I respect each for their own choice.
I do know that I am presently safe and whole and that I am deeply loved by God and my husband. Thankfully I am healed to the point that dreams like I had last night don't creep into my day and therefore they don't, in any meaningful way, effect my new day. Of course, I can't help if wonder if they make me a little different in my thoughts. I can only hope that I will use it for good and be more sensitive to others who have suffered.
I thank God for His saving grace and the fact that HIS mercies are new every morning. I plan today to move forward with God and leave the past behind. I am going to live in the freshness and goodness that this day brings. I thank God for how far He has taken me and for the enormous healing I have experienced.
Dear one reading this, if you have been tormented by dreams of the past, there is help. A skilled trauma therapist can work with you to reduce the intensity and frequency of such dreams. I also found certain medication kept these traumatic memories from entering my dreams. Don't compare yourself and your experience to others. We are each unique in our make up, and that includes the way our brain handles trauma. Allow yourself to simply seek out what you need to be whole. Also know there is a spiritual realm that must be dealt with in order for you to be completely set free.
I have found peace and great joy in living. I know you can also.
love, Lindy
Comments
I know that I am very drawn to expressive outlets, art and emotions/feelings. I am also creative ... have not lost the little exploring child in myself.
So I do think our brains wiring and other soul elements (like emotions) do effect how we handle events.
I have often related war and its effects to many of the emotional problems and abuse that occurred in that time period of our nation because in WWI/WWII and Korean - shell shock was not treated as it should have been.