My Toughest Critic Is Myself
When I think about how I fall so short of where I want to be or what I wish I were doing, I can be quite negative. Everywhere I look is "work/chores" calling out to be done. And really, when you have a home is there ever a time that you can rest because you have finished everything?
In my family, I am the messiest. That may or may not be true. I think of myself as being lazy because I would rather be about doing the things that I enjoy doing, the things that make me feel the most alive and useful in life instead of cleaning. While I like have a clean kitchen, it does not give me a deep fulfillment because a few hours later it will be a mess again. No wonder it feels so futile to do housework.
Some mornings I awake and think about everything that I am not. I review all of my failures, and incompletions in life. Honestly, my life is an uneasy avalanche of "falling-short" and all I need to do is start to pick a little at the bottom of the cold heap for it to cover me up.
And I forget who and what sets my value and worth.
While I was feeling this way I happen to click over and re-read my post I wrote on my "healthy me" blog, Who or What Sets Your Worth. (I have to have a blog that is about my "normal" life and so I can write about things that do not pertain to my mental health or abuse.)
I was reading over the post, mostly checking for proofing errors and this paragraph changed my outlook:
Don't you love it when you discover you know the answer to your "doom and gloom" outlook but you just are not following it??!?!
I simply needed to remember that God alone needs to be my critic. He knows me through and through and doesn't expect me to keep up with everyone else because he knows what I have been through and what I am capable of doing this exact moment.
Resting in His approval I take a deep cleansing breath. I need to look to Him and not the clutter around me. (This is so hard to remember!) I need to not forget that I am in a process, on a journey and stop trying to arrive. I need to be thankful for each day I live in an abuse-free environment. How easy it is to forget all of the blessing you have when you are being critical of yourself!
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| Why Can't I Be Neat??? |
In my family, I am the messiest. That may or may not be true. I think of myself as being lazy because I would rather be about doing the things that I enjoy doing, the things that make me feel the most alive and useful in life instead of cleaning. While I like have a clean kitchen, it does not give me a deep fulfillment because a few hours later it will be a mess again. No wonder it feels so futile to do housework.
Some mornings I awake and think about everything that I am not. I review all of my failures, and incompletions in life. Honestly, my life is an uneasy avalanche of "falling-short" and all I need to do is start to pick a little at the bottom of the cold heap for it to cover me up.
And I forget who and what sets my value and worth.
While I was feeling this way I happen to click over and re-read my post I wrote on my "healthy me" blog, Who or What Sets Your Worth. (I have to have a blog that is about my "normal" life and so I can write about things that do not pertain to my mental health or abuse.)
I was reading over the post, mostly checking for proofing errors and this paragraph changed my outlook:
So, thankfully for me, and I hope I can help you see for yourself, there is only one person I let set my worth and it is not even myself. I let God determine my value, not other people. So I get to ask, "Am I doing what you want me to do God? Have I lived up to your standards? Do I have a genuine one on one relationship with you, God? Am I spending my money and time as you desire? Are my actions and words pleasing to You?"
Don't you love it when you discover you know the answer to your "doom and gloom" outlook but you just are not following it??!?!
I simply needed to remember that God alone needs to be my critic. He knows me through and through and doesn't expect me to keep up with everyone else because he knows what I have been through and what I am capable of doing this exact moment.
Resting in His approval I take a deep cleansing breath. I need to look to Him and not the clutter around me. (This is so hard to remember!) I need to not forget that I am in a process, on a journey and stop trying to arrive. I need to be thankful for each day I live in an abuse-free environment. How easy it is to forget all of the blessing you have when you are being critical of yourself!
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