The Pain of Asking Permission
I am so angry! I have not made a single sound but I am bubbling up inside like the fizz of a soda shaken that would explode at the next person to tap on my lid.
And why this time did the rage bubble up in me? I asked permission to go see a movie and receive a grunt of some sort of an answer. It was simply a courtesy. It is not that I cannot go see a movie if I want. But, I am a mother, a wife, a member of a family. So, if I go somewhere I need to inform others.
However, I didn't inform. I asked permission.
"Do you mind if I go see a movie?"
And instead of hearing an affirmative, positive reply, I got a grumble of some sort. Really not an answer at all.
It happen throughout my childhood. Rarely would I get a yes or no to a question. Simply a unspoken disapproval. If I pressed and pressed and pressed, I could probably get a "oh, go ahead." Yet, in leaving I would feel incriminated, guilty for doing what was not in the other person's plans for the day.
Frankly, what does it matter? No one is going to do anything with me anyway. It is not like I am needed. I was just in my "office" reading. So what is the big deal?
RRRRR!
I asked my husband again, fifteen minutes later why he responded the way he did and now he says he thought he told me something like "that's ok... if you want to go." But I heard nothing.
The time to leave for the movie is over. I would have to wait another few hours. And then I wouldn't get home until late. I never do something like go to a movie by myself, for myself. What was I thinking?
Probably. And I. for. now. do. not. know. why.
I don't want to "go there" or think about it. I don't want to dig or be deep or thoughtful.
I want to avoid.
So there it is. No conclusions. No big realizations, but the one from asking my mother who would never respond and avoiding the obvious work to be done. I am for once going to stay shallow. It is, what it is, on the surface of life.
Do you experience this? Do you have to ask permission and struggle? Are do you never even ask? Are you an avoider?
And why this time did the rage bubble up in me? I asked permission to go see a movie and receive a grunt of some sort of an answer. It was simply a courtesy. It is not that I cannot go see a movie if I want. But, I am a mother, a wife, a member of a family. So, if I go somewhere I need to inform others.
However, I didn't inform. I asked permission.
"Do you mind if I go see a movie?"
And instead of hearing an affirmative, positive reply, I got a grumble of some sort. Really not an answer at all.
Reflecting
I know now why that made me so angry.It happen throughout my childhood. Rarely would I get a yes or no to a question. Simply a unspoken disapproval. If I pressed and pressed and pressed, I could probably get a "oh, go ahead." Yet, in leaving I would feel incriminated, guilty for doing what was not in the other person's plans for the day.
Frankly, what does it matter? No one is going to do anything with me anyway. It is not like I am needed. I was just in my "office" reading. So what is the big deal?
RRRRR!
I asked my husband again, fifteen minutes later why he responded the way he did and now he says he thought he told me something like "that's ok... if you want to go." But I heard nothing.
The time to leave for the movie is over. I would have to wait another few hours. And then I wouldn't get home until late. I never do something like go to a movie by myself, for myself. What was I thinking?
Distraction
Of course, so much needs to be done: hanging up laundry, washing more, emptying the dishwasher, finishing the job application online, continuing to work on the boxes from the storage room, and organizing my "creative room/office." Is that why I wanted to get away and go to a movie? Is that why I stay hours at a time alone in my bedroom reading, writing, and watching shows? Am I delaying the work I should be doing? Am I avoiding my responsibilities?Probably. And I. for. now. do. not. know. why.
I don't want to "go there" or think about it. I don't want to dig or be deep or thoughtful.
I want to avoid.
So there it is. No conclusions. No big realizations, but the one from asking my mother who would never respond and avoiding the obvious work to be done. I am for once going to stay shallow. It is, what it is, on the surface of life.
Do you experience this? Do you have to ask permission and struggle? Are do you never even ask? Are you an avoider?
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