Crash and Burn

I had a really, really a terrible day yesterday. I knew I needed help. I told my husband that I needed help. I told a few people I needed help. My counselor just left for her vacation, I am not going to burden her while she is getting her needed rest. My psychiatrist would tell me to take medication.

I called the social worker with the organization I have received so much help with before. The problem is I don't fit into any category that can get the assistance I need.

I know what I need. I need someone to come to my home for 4 hours or so a day for at least one month to help me learn how to function daily. I need this person to guide me in running my household, to support and encourage me and to kick me in my butt if I need it (but in a loving, caring way).

What I need is a mama, a grandmother, an aunt, but since I don't have any extended family... and support in this category, I am left hanging, dangling, holding onto a tiny thing string in despair.

An hour a week is great, but I need more than that.

I have come so far in the healing process. This is not about unforgiveness, shame, guilt, regrets, torment, bitterness or any of those other things that destroy a soul from the inside out. I have processed through all of this toxic junk.

Now I need to learn to function, practically. I have read so many books, I know so many methods.. it is not knowledge that I lack. I just don't want to do it (live life) in such an inconsistent manner anymore.

Sure, I can keep it glued together for about 2-3 days and then I start unraveling... bit by bit, thought by thought, emotion by emotion, action by action, until I am raw...open... hyper-sensitive, hyper-vigilant, spinning out of control.

The really odd part of this is during the 'crash and burn' time I can still minister to others. I can pray for hurting people. I can encourage others. I can listen and comfort/ advise. I just can't help myself.

Last night about 5 pm or so, I started talking to myself, began mindless cleaning. Swiftering around, talking to myself... "I can't do this anymore" "I need help" "I am not functioning" "I wish I was not here, it would be easier to be dead" "my children need me but I am not able" "I have no where to turn" "There is no one who can help me" "who can I call..... " "everyone has their own life" "they have children" "they work" "they are all to busy"

My church can send missionaries to foreign countries for weeks on and but we can't help a person like me. Neighbors, friends and family are too occupied with the crisis and responsibilities of their own life.

I am not a lost cause! I could become functioning. I could have a stab at being "normal" if only I could get the help I needed to get over this roadblock.... this wall that keeps rising up around me and trapping me inside.

It is not mental, physical, spiritual.... it is all of them and more... yes, my body chemically messes up, my mind chases thoughts and doesn't function right, I am spiritually in love with God, and still I can't get it together. God said we didn't need to be alone. He sent Adam a helper. Even though Adam had God... He still said it isn't right for Adam to be alone.

My spiritual counselors, church friends, will wonder why I can't just get my help from God. God alone! He is my everything. But God's hand, feet, and body is physically in the brothers and sisters of the church. He is living within each Christian. I don't just need spiritual help. I need physical help.

If I was a drug addict, a alcoholic, a criminal, an absolute looser, I could get help. There are groups and agencies to come along side these kind of people.

But the normal damaged, unfunctioning people, who have no extended family, there is no help available.

When you are crashing, burning, screaming help and kicking your legs into your bed, who do you call to come to physically step in? Who is there for you when you hit the bottom?

I have no person to call. I am all alone in this world.

My husband doesn't get it. He is wonderful, but doesn't have a clue about what I am going through. My children are children! and not my resource for help. My friends are all busy with their own family or working, etc. etc. etc.

Please someone...if you have a suggestion... if you have an answer ... comment, tell me where does a person who is not psychotic, (I am in touch with reality), where do I get practical help?