Journal Entry 2-24-03

Warning - this is a very emotional journal entry from 5 years ago. I am not in this place anymore, but it is exactly where I was on this February day in 2003. If you don't handle high emotional conversation or if you might trip into your own pain - please don't read this journal entry.

2nd EMDR session on Fight Scene - (siblings were forced to fight each other)

I am exhausted. The session was very tough, lots of tears, lots of pain. I don't want to go there - I am cold. I am sorry I had to be part of this sick game. I hate my father for making us do this. I want to understand why I had to go through this.

I am mad that I had to go through this humiliation, to be treated like an animal. God, why did you allow me to be treated this way to be hurt so deeply, wounded in my soul, feeling so worthless, so valueless.

You say You loved me but You treated me so badly .. You let me get hurt, You didn't protect me, You didn't stop the craziness, You didn't get me out of it, You allowed me to live in it for 18 years and to still have to deal with it.

I don't want to deal with it anymore. I want to be free from all the hurt. I want to be free from all the lies. I want to be free from all the pain. I want to look out for me, but I am afraid.

What will my sisters say? I don't care!

I am tired of pleasing others. I am tired of hurting. I want to stop the pain.

I don't care. I want to be free of pretending. I don't care to have a relationship with them. It hurts too much. It is not genuine. It is because I have to. It is not what I want to do. I do not want to have a relationship with them. They hurt me too much as a child. I have no feelings of love for my father - I wish him no harm, but I don't want to be part of his life.

He doesn't deserve to be part of mine. He lost that right when he hurt me the oh so many times in my childhood. I have no relationship with him. I know this means I give my relationship up with my mother and that I must. She did nothing to help me as a child. She never came to my aid. She never consoled me or comforted me or held my hand or helped me to understand the madness.

She was the adult. She is responsible for not protecting me, for letting me get hurt. She is responsible for allowing all of this to happen and for doing nothing to stop it!

I am now an adult. I am responsible for protecting me, for making sure I don't get hurt, for stopping the cycle of abuse.

I was forced to do things as a child. I am no more forced to do things. I have a choice. I choose FREEDOM!

I know my choice will have consequences and cause pain, but it is my choice. I am free to choose.

God, may I choose freedom from my parents? Is this OK with You? I need to hear clearly from you like I have heard so many times before. Speak to me now.

Child, You are free to choose. You have been so hurt. I would never bind you to torment, but I ask that you make your choice not out of hatred but in forgiveness and love. I don't want you to choose in sin and then choose to sin. I want you to choose Life! I want for you the path that will bring you true freedom and abundant life.

Pray! Seek the Word! Seek a clean heart! Make a decision with a clear conscious.

I love you. You did not see me, but I protected you. I did stop the madness. You just never saw when I stepped in. I was there. I saw it all. You were never alone. I love you.