Desire to Disappear!

This is a re-occurring desire in my life.

When things get too much for me, when I have too much to do in areas that I don't like or feel good at, when my house is a mess, when I am broke and have no means of income, when I feel guilty for everything I don't do, when I can't take just one more need, request or question.....

I want to disappear.

Disappearing is different than wishing you were dead.

Disappearing is a way to drop all the crushing demands and pretend just for as long as you can that you don't have anything to do and no rules binding you in. Disappearing is giving yourself time to breath when everywhere you look the air is not fresh. Disappearing is the ability to not be responsible for so much, and so many people.

I think, if I was honest, disappearing is really a mild case of disassociating from reality. Cutting off the pressure and pain of not being able to fit into the mold and live up the the expectations of yourself or others.

Disassociating is not living life in a pretend world... especially if you know the difference... of coming and going. It is like choosing to live in a daydream.... just for a long enough time to feel your soul flutter with joy again, to be able to hear the bird tweet or see the little ant carry the big crumb down the dirt path.

It hurts less the crying, and usually makes you feel better sooner.

I often want to disappear when I don't want to have to answer questions for my actions or thoughts. When I don't want to face a conversation or situation that seem to continually cycle in my life.

It also makes me tired.... enough so that I could sleep for a day... numb, like I could have a tooth drilled without medication.... thoughtless, like even to smile, hug or say 'Hi' - would be forced or fake.

That's it... I know what I must do... I need to stimulate my parasympathetic system because it is shutting down..

let me see:

• push a wall (don't want to)


• tap my forehead and under eyes quickly (nah)


• take a sniff of peppermint extract (where did I put that stuff)


• shower, water in the face (I'd have to move...might get wet) (that made me smile within)


• run, run anywhere... in place, down stairs, down street ... (need to get dressed - smile again)


• put my feet down on floor

I can do that. Push the floor with my feet. Yep, it is still there and I am still here. Stand, don't want to, but I can. Take a deep breathe, tilt back my head, heart beating, I am still alive. Grounded. Processed.

Don't feel so helpless anymore, so weak, so incapable....

These thoughts come and go and will return again but I can keep working to get through them... persevering through them, not ignoring or walking away from them, but facing and enduring the valleys as much as the hill tops. Both are living.

Time to move on.