I Love Life - Healing from Dissociative Disorder

The words from yesterday's post kept echoing in my mind and throughout the day I kept hearing this question: "Why don't I love my life?"

Which of course, led to several others:

• what would it take to love my life?
• what do I need?
• what would I not need (or more clearly what needs to be removed)?

And my body began to physically respond to this sort of thinking, and so did my conscience.

In my body,

my classic sign of stress/anxiety - my arms felt heavy, 

then, my heart raced, almost in fear, like how dare to ask a question like that,

and I was nervous that I would be found out. 

I wanted to hide, to run away.

In my conscience,

both ashamed to be so selfish but more to be found longing for more than what was provided by my earthly father. I am not sure if it was a true physical trigger of fear or one of the "thought of him" being an unconscious symbol of fear or possibly the "person of fear" used by the enemy of my soul, Satan, to get me to stop this line of thinking.

In fear, building to a sense of fright, I decided to run toward instead of away... to not hide but seek out the one who was trying to entrap my soul. Equipped with a human size magnifying glass I was the one on the prowl, like turning the sunlight onto an object magnifying the light until it began to burn, I ran after the source of my fear.

Who are you?

What are you?

Why are you so relentlessly attacking me?

What are you so afraid of?

And then, in my mind - in the crevices of my emotional heart - I felt a tantrum storming on:

Leave me alone! Pick on someone your own size.  (Why do you think I picked you?)

Pick on someone else. (So you would release me on another person to save you?)

I hate you- the hater of my soul. (Well, that makes us even because I hate you too.)

Scripture! Scripture! Scripture! Jesus used the Word to combat the enemy.

Romans 8: 31 - 

³¹  What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? ³² He who did not spare His own Son, butdelivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? ³³ Who will bring a charge againstGod’s elect? God is the one who justifies; ³⁴ who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was ^[l] raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. ³⁵ Who will separate us from the love of^[m]Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, orfamine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ³⁶ Just as it is written,

“ For Your sake we are being put to death all day long;
We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer throughHim who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And the Words came down in stone - representing permanence - that each Word was everlasting and therefore powerful truth to combat the lies of the evil one, the enemy of my soul, that one who hates me, who wants me to live life trapped, in bondage, in fear, and in discontent but more than that in a constant state of war. Not warring without but within.

"Who will end this battle within?" I heard myself cry out aloud.

"I will," I heard loud and clear. With no doubt I knew the voice of Jesus, the One Who was slain for my soul, the One Who died so that I might live. The One Who descended, so that He would break through in the resurrection power the layers of death and bondage.

And He turned to me and said, "You go in the power of My resurrection. You are not weak, because the indwelling Spirit of Christ within you is the One and Only - the Fullness of God. Stop running in fear when you have All. Turn and STAND. I am Your Deliverance. Stop running. Stop fighting in your smallness of self. Be strong in the Lord!"

And no longer a frightened cornered child but a daughter of regency and in humble elegance I knelt down - before my Prince, before my King and worshiped Him.

He gently reached toward me, touching my chin he lifted up my face and said,

"Where is your accuser?" I responded, "He is gone."

And then He said, "Look up into my eyes. Do you not know all of this is yours? But remember, you are not in My world, you are not yet Home. Your heart will never rejoice or be satisfied in this world with things, work, people or success. Even the richest possible rewards here on earth - eternal work for the kingdom-- will not be an accolade like a prize to place on the shelf and be fulfilled. Do you not see?"

And I knew in my heart the truth of Truths. I will only be happy in this world and love my life when I am basking in Him and doing the precise things He calls me to do, every moment - that is my quest, that is my life, that alone is the entrance to happiness while living in the counterfeit world.

And He reached down His hand toward Me. I was now in a beautiful long gown, so divinely beautiful.

I placed my hand in His; He pulled me in and we began to dance.

And then my soul cried out in His presence, "I LOVE My Life." Looking up into His Eyes I said, "Hold me closely, never let me go. Never let me drift, run, hide or push You away. In You, Love, in Your Presence, in Your Light, I am totally, completely fulfilled. You - Alone - the Lover of my Soul."

I widened my eyes and peered into His of Love, and held Him close, and once again we began to dance.

He sweeps my heart away. Truly, this is the real Cinderella story, the once that ends with... She lives happily ever after again from this moment and throughout eternity. 

The original and lasting love story is mine (and yours) to know.