I Can't Help - Reasons Why We Don’t Help
It is good to learn to say no, but it doesn’t always feel good.
After being the one in constant need of help for so many years, I recently experienced being on the opposite side. One of my siblings had a heart attack and had been allowing another sibling to stay in her own home since the death of our parents. This sibling--staying with her--in many ways seemed stuck, unable/unwilling to work for support, and was known for a temper/conflict. My sick sibling’s family members reached out to all of us literally begging for one of us to step up and take him in.
No one---out of 6 other siblings (including myself)--offered to help.
I felt so guilty and I still do.
I was the only one to text everyone explaining why I could not help but still the guilt lingers with me.
When I talked to my own nuclear family, they said positively no. For the most practical reason, we didn’t have a spare bedroom but emotionally my own family had been through enough secondhand trauma from me having C-PTSD from being raised in a horribly abusive home. They did not want to take on one of my siblings who had also suffered torturous abuse.
Truly, I did not want to take on one of my siblings. I did not want to be triggered, to be sucked in, or to loose the stability I currently had in my life. Still, I felt selfish and unkind.
I said no when my sister and her family needed help the most. I am ashamed. But should I be? Or other siblings feeling the same guilt?
Many support groups for survivors of child abuse would clearly tell me that I had the greatest responsibility to look out for myself, my own family and to preserve my stability. Still, as a human it does not seem to be a normal family response.
Families step in to help one another.
Or so I believe they do.
I have not really experienced this.
I have never lived in a city with one of my siblings. I have never been able to reach out for help, even to go to a doctor’s appointment or to get a haircut when I had little ones.
Why do I feel guilty? Is it real guilt or false guilt?
If you have a not-so-simple-family, do you step in to help?
Life doesn’t come with a specific rule book, beyond the underlining principles in the Bible. We each make our choices and live with them.
In life, I am pretty good at telling people if I can’t help and have learned to not volunteer for every need. I know we all must have limits on what we can do or offer to do. However, in my sibling’s case, I am genuinely sorry that I could not help when she and her family needed it the most.
I need to forgive myself, whether it is real or false guilt. I need to accept God’s sufficient grace.
Grace. It doesn’t seem fair, and it is not. It is undeserved. But I am so thankful for grace. I need to let it wash over me. I don’t live under the laws of karma. I live under God’s grace. I need to allow myself to receive it.
No one---out of 6 other siblings (including myself)--offered to help.
I felt so guilty and I still do.
I was the only one to text everyone explaining why I could not help but still the guilt lingers with me.
When I talked to my own nuclear family, they said positively no. For the most practical reason, we didn’t have a spare bedroom but emotionally my own family had been through enough secondhand trauma from me having C-PTSD from being raised in a horribly abusive home. They did not want to take on one of my siblings who had also suffered torturous abuse.
Truly, I did not want to take on one of my siblings. I did not want to be triggered, to be sucked in, or to loose the stability I currently had in my life. Still, I felt selfish and unkind.
I said no when my sister and her family needed help the most. I am ashamed. But should I be? Or other siblings feeling the same guilt?
Many support groups for survivors of child abuse would clearly tell me that I had the greatest responsibility to look out for myself, my own family and to preserve my stability. Still, as a human it does not seem to be a normal family response.
Families step in to help one another.
Or so I believe they do.
I have not really experienced this.
I have never lived in a city with one of my siblings. I have never been able to reach out for help, even to go to a doctor’s appointment or to get a haircut when I had little ones.
Why do I feel guilty? Is it real guilt or false guilt?
If you have a not-so-simple-family, do you step in to help?
Life doesn’t come with a specific rule book, beyond the underlining principles in the Bible. We each make our choices and live with them.
In life, I am pretty good at telling people if I can’t help and have learned to not volunteer for every need. I know we all must have limits on what we can do or offer to do. However, in my sibling’s case, I am genuinely sorry that I could not help when she and her family needed it the most.
I need to forgive myself, whether it is real or false guilt. I need to accept God’s sufficient grace.
Grace. It doesn’t seem fair, and it is not. It is undeserved. But I am so thankful for grace. I need to let it wash over me. I don’t live under the laws of karma. I live under God’s grace. I need to allow myself to receive it.
Comments
Perhaps it might have been good for the whole family to speak to the person about their need to get into a recovery program and work part time for their keep or something; then everyone helped them find appropriate help and even perhaps help pay for part of it. I say that last bit not sure if I have correctly understood what you described or if you folks were able to do this, so if it doesn't fit, chuck it out as useless info. But it seems to me that caring for the weak and damaged is more than a one part harmony.
Even the situation with the good Samaritan and the guy who was so beat up he needed a temporary place to heal for awhile involved another party, the inn keeper, and some cash resources. And your no was not a permanent no but a "right at this time this way won't work" no.
Sometimes we say no because the proposed solution won't work but if everyone came together and came up with way to do it that didn't lay a heavy burden on one person and was workable, we would say yes. I can sure relate.
Many times I can barely function in my own nucleus family much less add another in theirs. Life is hard and are responsibility is first to God, 2nd to our spouse, 3rd our children and than other start falling in line. If I can't remain healthy psychologically, mentally or emotional I am of no use to my husband and children much less the family I was born into.
I don't get therapy based on what anyone says but God.
And I certainly don't get involved in others lives if God is not directing me to do so. There comes a point in life that you realize life is fragile. We don't all have so much to give of ourselves to so many because we are left with so little for our main priorities. I keep my life as small and simple as possible. I try to live my life in a way that honors and loves those that I come in contact with in the present. It doesn't matter if others approve. What matters is that I answer to him alone.